Everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn’t I have a go? Here are my predictions for what is going to happen.

• Some people will vote. Some people will not.
• It will rain. Somewhere.
• Partisans belonging to the losing team will regard the loss as a catastrophe unmatched in the history of New Zealand, and the media will be blamed.
• Colin Craig will still be a silly man.
• At least one losing candidate will cry on the night.
• Various pundits will make predictions about the election result, including party vote percentages and key battleground electorate contests. Why they feel the need to do so will be a mystery for many of us, as most of us will be quite content just to vote for the party and candidate we like and then see what happens on Saturday night. Let me tell you a secret about these pundits. It’s a secret they don’t want you to know, because their reputations would be ruined if anyone ever found out. These pundits have NO FUCKING IDEA what will happen on election day.
• My wife just finished making nine dozen cupcakes, so I’ll be fine whatever happens.