This is a coup

Above: it worked in Fiji

Dear Labour Party caucus members,

This is a coup. Please move away from your desks and tables with your hands in the air. No sudden movements please.

I’m sorry it’s had to come to this, but you can no longer be trusted to get things right. Many of you are good people, talented people. I even like quite a few of you. But as a group you have collectively failed.

So I’m taking over.

You all have a choice to make. Accept that I am now your leader or resign. Please be quick with your decision. I will give you five seconds. Five… four … three … two … one…

Have you decided yet? Good. A very wise choice.

I have prepared letters of resignation for each of you to sign. Just write your name at the bottom and then sign. No, don’t worry about writing the date. I’m not going to insist on your resignations just yet, but it sure will be handy to know I can get rid of you at any time.

Wait, what’s this? Norman Kirk? Who wrote that? Trevor, was that you? This is not a joke. Do it properly!

Right, now let’s proceed to business. I would like each of you to find a computer or tablet. Make sure you’re online. Now go to the Daily Blog website and read as many of Martyn Bradbury’s blogposts as you can. Many of you will know that Bradbury has strong opinions on what Labour should have done and where it went wrong during the election campaign, and I urge you to make a list of the changes he would like to see from the party.

Having made your list, you should now complete a second list. Your second list will be a list of action points for Labour’s caucus. These are the things you as caucus members will do to rebuild the fortunes of the party.

Compile your second list by referring to the first. Remember, your first list will be a summary of Martyn Bradbury’s ideas for fixing Labour’s problems. I have not read Bradbury’s latest musings on the subject, but I have no doubt that his ideas will all be terrible ones.  His ability to get things dreadfully wrong will enable you to work out exactly what should be done. Just write the exact opposite of what Bradbury suggests, and you will have your list.

The next step will be for me to write today’s date on a number of your resignation letters. Yes, I did just tell you all that I wasn’t going to insist on your resignations just yet, but I lied. Bad luck. This is a coup. Did you expect me to play nice?

There’s no point in complaining. The public have tired of us, and we need to show the voters of New Zealand that we can change. Tough decisions need to be made. So I’m afraid a handful of you need to go.

Some of you have been here a long time and have given loyal service to the party, but the party is bigger and more important than any individual. We need to refresh and renew, and show the voters of the country that we are listening. People have rejected the old Labour, and we must now present a new face to the public. That means exits for some of you.

I will now call out the names of those caucus members who will be leaving us. If I call your name out you will move towards the door, taking whatever belongings you are able to carry with you. There will be no time for farewells. Do not look back, and say nothing. Obey if you wish to live.

That’s all for the time being. Now get cracking and make those lists, and I’ll be back soon to see how you got on. In the meantime let’s all keep our mouths shut. Loose lips sink ships, walls have ears, and anyone who blabs to the media will be very sorry indeed.

I’ll be back shortly, but I have a number of matters to attend to. My plan is to remain in charge until such time as a new leader is appointed. Given your inability to unite behind a single candidate, I think it wise that I select the next leader myself. I have in mind a candidate who commands the respect of most New Zealanders, is competent and able, and knows just what the public want.

Unfortunately, I’m not confident that John Key will agree to take the job.