I am today announcing that I will seek the leadership of the New Zealand Labour Party.

There has been some speculation that I would enter the race, although this speculation has mostly taken place inside my own head. However, I owe it to the voices in my head to make it clear where I stand. Those voices have been loyal and dedicated supporters for a great many years, other than that time in the 1990s when they insisted I should move to Hamilton.  More recently their constant demands that I commence the reaping against all the defilers and polluters have become quite burdensome to me, but I have so far resisted the urge to cleanse my neighbourhood of their filth. Their blasphemies will have to go unpunished for the time being.

Nevertheless, the voices in my head demand answers, and that is why I am announcing my plan to seek the leadership.

I have a number of amazing, astounding, astonishing attributes, that would make me a perfect Labour Party leader. Firstly, I am a man. Secondly, I am white. This unique combination of factors enables me to see things the way many white men see things, and makes me blind towards the viewpoints of a great many other people. But that blindness is my very strength, because it enables me to lead a simple life of enjoyed and unexamined privilege free from the crippling effects of guilt or concern for others.

But my most important attribute is my utter hatred of people. All people. I don’t like ‘em! I never have and I never will. Most politicians will try to schmooze and network their way to the top, but not me.

People are of course where election campaigns are won and lost. Labour lost the last election because most people thought they were a bunch of incompetent lackwits. Maybe if some of our candidates had stayed out of the limelight a little more, they would have fooled the public into thinking they were actually decent folk worth voting for.  As an example, Clayton Cosgrove’s bid to win Waimakariri was doomed the moment he began to meet people. He should have stayed in his campaign office and fired out press releases.

The trick with people is to treat them with the contempt they deserve. The voters are dirty, ignorant animals who need to be treated with firmness and brutality, like errant livestock. If they won’t do what you want them to, then you must punish them! The people of New Zealand disgust me, and if I become Labour leader I will work tirelessly to get back at all of them for all the terrible things they have done to me over the years. The bullying, the ridicule, but worst of all the ignoring!

If I win the leadership of the Labour Party the first thing I’m going to do is change the way we campaign. My National Party opponent will spend the next election campaign meeting people, shaking hands and kissing babies. But I intend to be in my underground chamber plotting, scheming, and moving my chess pieces into place. I will plan my devastating moves without the distraction of all those disgusting people. Sitting in darkness in my throne room raging at my minions will be a far more productive use of my time than kissing hands and shaking babies.

I am under no illusions about the monumental task ahead if I am to become leader. Everyone hates me, so I have a lot of work to do if I am to be selected. I am also not a member of the Labour caucus, but I am working on a plan to deal with that potential disability. If anyone has any dirt on a current Labour electorate MP, please drop me a line. I’d love to use that dirt to blackmail an MP into resigning and forcing a by-election, a by-election I would of course win through dishonest and unscrupulous means.

I also need dirt on Moira Coatsworth, as they will need to postpone the leadership contest to give me time to get myself elected as an MP, and I don’t think they’ll agree to do so unless I can hold something over them.

It’s time for a change. New Zealand needs fresh leadership, and that means electing a white guy who thinks he’s great and has contempt for the public. I know I can do it, and if you know what’s good for you, then you won’t get in my way.

I can’t promise miracles. I’m not going to promise to be the best leader Labour has ever had. Actually, if I’m honest I’ll be a terrible leader. I don’t like people and I don’t care about their problems, and I’m quite venal, and I imagine most of my rule will be devoted to finding ways of shaking money out of people.

But if that sounds like your kind of leader, then why not join my campaign team? I need people like you to volunteer, to do all the dirty work, to put themselves in harm’s way while I put my feet up. I may even need a few enforcers to take care of my opponents. Can you crack heads? Do you like the sight of blood? How about the taste? Are you an expert poisoner?

We can make a difference to this country if we work together, and if we fight amongst ourselves things won’t really change, but I’m fine with that so long as I’m top dog.

You can start by making a donation to my campaign. Please hand over all of your wallets and jewellery, and keep your hands where I can see them. This is a robbery. Nobody move!