Climate change “bullshit” says expert drainlayer

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A leading drainlayer is rubbishing claims that climate change is a serious threat to hundreds of millions of people and requires urgent action by the global community.

Fred Black, owner of Black’s Drainlayers, told TVNZ’s Breakfast show on Tuesday that the IPCC’s recently released report on climate change should be consigned to the rubbish bin.

“Mate, I’ve heard all sorts of bullshit about this climate change business, but I don’t believe a fucking word of it,” said Mr Black.

“Chuck the report in the bin. Or flush it down the dunny.”

The drainlayer, whose firm was runner-up in the Most Improved Sewer Pipe Laying category at the 2008 West Auckland Plumbers, Gasfitters and Drainlayers Awards, told the show’s host Rawdon Christie that the IPCC report was “a pile of shit, and mate, I know something about shit. I spend most of my day ankle-deep in the stuff.”

The authors of the IPCC report—a synthesis of three working group reports released over the last year—have described the effects of climate change as “severe, widespread, and irreversible”, and have urged a reduction in the use of fossil fuels.

But Mr Black rejects the report’s findings.

“Mate, I grew up in Southland, and every winter we’d freeze our fucking nuts off,” he told the Breakfast show. “You’re telling me a warmer planet would be a bad thing? What are these scientists smoking?

“It’s like Leighton Smith says. You give scientists a bunch of money to write about how bad this climate shit is, and of course they’ll tell you what you want to hear.

“I didn’t even read the report. Why would I bother with all that academic elitist bullshit? The scientists try to impress everyone with all their clever words, but I’ll bet they haven’t got a clue how to install even the most basic septic tank.”

The IPCC report finds that climate change has already increased the risk of severe heatwaves and other extreme weather events. It warns of food shortages and violent conflicts if urgent measures to tackle climate change are not implemented.

But Mr Black has hit back at the report’s findings.

“Don’t fucking talk to me about bad weather,” he said. “I go out and work rain, hail or shine, so what’s a little rough weather to me? You know the only people bothered by a bit of rain? Those poncey ivory tower academics in their nice clothes, and with all their big and fancy words, and who’ve never done a hard day’s labour in their entire lives.

“Why don’t they come and spend a day with Yours Truly repairing sewer pipes? I’ll tell you why. Because they think their shit is perfume, and they wouldn’t cope if they knew what a turd really smelt like.”

A leading climate scientist was asked to comment in response to Mr Black’s claims, but he was too boring.