Please, I can explain

Let me first say sorry for causing you any offence. It was certainly never my intention to offend anyone when I wrote those words.

But I would also like to explain myself. I may have written those words, but I didn’t mean the things people are now accusing me of.

When I called you a dickhead, I was simply referring to your name, or what I thought was your name. I obviously just mixed you up with my good friend Richard Head. I always call him Dick for short. A simple mistake.

Also, I didn’t mean to write “Your capacity for viciousness is extraordinary, and is only matched by the volume of filth exploding from your disagreeable buttocks. You probably molest animals for pleasure, when you are not stealing money from charities, punching the faces of small children, or kicking homeless people in the street. You deserve to be put to death in painful ways, you odious fascist, except that if we killed you we would then have to find a way to dispose of your revoltingly diseased-riddled corpse, because not even the maggots would consume it.”  That may well be what my Facebook post says, but that’s not what I typed. I actually typed “I disagree.” Damn that auto-correct on my phone!

And I most certainly did not mean to cause offence when I compared you to Hitler. It was meant to be a compliment. While Hitler is widely regarded as one of the most monstrous and evil figures in all of human history, he was also an artist who painted watercolours and liked dogs. I was simply remarking upon your sensitive and creative side, but of course I’m sorry if you took a different meaning.

Did I really say you ought to be shot? I meant to say that you ought to get your shots. That is, if you haven’t been fully vaccinated yet. Auto-correct again!

You really are an awesome person. Not an awful one. Yes, I did write “you are an awful person,” but that’s because I consider you to be a deeply religious and spiritual person, and I have no doubt that when you think of the power of Our Saviour The Lord Jesus Christ you are filled with awe. That’s what I meant. You are so awe-full.

Do you really think I consider you a jumped up little shit? Is that what people are now saying? They are quoting me out of context. They are twisting the ordinary meaning of my words. Yes, I did write “You are a jumped up little shit”, but in the overall context, taking into consideration the entire matrix of facts applicable to the situation, the nuances of the English language, and the social, economic and political climate of the time, it was clear that my words meant something quite different. It should be obvious that I was paying you a compliment.

And as for that recent post when I wrote “I hope your children die of cancer,” in response to your criticism of my behaviour, let me explain. I was only joking. I admit I have an unusual sense of humour, but it’s all about having a laugh. Sometimes people take me too seriously. Dude, just chill!

As for anything else I have written about you that may emerge to embarrass me at a later date, let me just say that sometimes my cat walks across my computer keyboard when I have Facebook open, that my children and their friends sometimes use my computer, and that my various social media accounts are being hacked by malicious third parties on an almost daily basis.

But it surprises me that anyone would think me capable of meaning such dreadful things. I’m a good person! It upsets me to think that my words could have been misconstrued by anyone, especially you of all people. What is wrong with you? Why don’t you ever give me the benefit of the doubt? Why do you always have to be so nasty? You should stop being an arsehole just for once. And would it kill you to take a shower more than once a year? Just the thought of being in the same room as you makes me want to vomit, you revolting creep.

Update: I just reread that last paragraph. Of course there is nothing wrong with you, you don’t smell, and you are not an arsehole. I’m sorry if you were offended, but I was just being ironic. Yes, ironic. Look it up in the dictionary, shithead.