An open letter to God about the All Blacks

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Okay, God, this is your chance. Don’t you dare screw this up for me like you did in 2007.

Consider this an official caution. If the All Blacks don’t win this Sunday morning, I’ll be blaming you. Not the coaches, the players, or the ref, but you. You made this happen.

I’ll be going straight to the red card if I see even a hint of the shit you pulled last time we played the French in Cardiff.

Rugby’s a tough game, and sometimes we lose. Our players make mistakes, though they don’t mean to, and sometimes a bad mistake can affect the result of a match.

But who’s really to blame for all the mistakes made by our boys? If a player tries really hard but has a momentary lapse of judgement, or his hands let him down, that just means he’s human and not a robot.

You, on the other hand, are not human. You are a divine being. You can do anything you like without even raising a sweat. I can’t blame a guy running his guts out who happens in a moment of exhaustion to give away a penalty because he falls the wrong way. But I can blame you. Because you created that guy. You put him where he was. You made him fall. You could have stopped him falling without even lifting a finger.

All I’m really saying is that if the French win, it will be entirely your doing. Your apologists can say what they like about how you move in mysterious ways, but when it comes down to it we’ll have lost because you took sides. When one thinks of all the effort your followers in New Zealand go to in worshiping you, it’s a disgrace that you could even consider supporting France.

So you’d better not fuck this up for me on Sunday, God, because I will remember. If the ABs lose against France for any reason whatsoever, I will be gunning for you. Your name will be on my hit-list. Be afraid, big man in the sky. Be very afraid.

P.S. So you don’t like what I’ve written here? Does it offend you? Are you angered? Just remember that you could have stopped me writing this post, but you chose not to. Maybe it’s because you’re a conflicted mess. You know deep down that I’m right, so don’t get it wrong this weekend!