Above: customers are encouraged to imagine how cute they would be if they were alive
To further promote this blogsite, I have come up with a new marketing strategy, and I guarantee you will love it!
From next week onwards I will be providing a kitten visit service to workplaces. For a modest fee, you can get your hands on a boxful of adorable kittens.
Here’s how it works:
- I’ll come to your work with a boxful of kittens.
- Each visit will last 15 minutes.
- During that time, employees will be able to pat and cuddle the kittens under my careful supervision.
What better way to make employees feel good about themselves and their workplace?
Just a few terms and conditions to be aware of:
- All of the kittens will be dead. This is mainly because Uber and the SPCA have snaffled most of the live ones. Also, dead kittens don’t poo or wee, so it makes more sense this way.
- Just be aware that some of the kittens may be in quite an advanced state of decomposition. So gloves and aprons are advisable whenever any of your staff handle these adorable little rascals. Also the smell will be overpowering, so masks are essential. These can be supplied on the day at very reasonable prices.
- All customers are entitled to a 20% discount if they decide afterwards to purchase an industrial carpet clean or building decontamination from one of my retail partners. Just tell them I sent you.
- Employees can also purchase on the day from my range of posters and high resolution photographs of cute but very alive kittens. These can be just the thing to help staff imagine what their feline visitors must have looked like before they became maggot-infested meat.
- Everyone loves a kitten, but not everyone loves a rotting one. So don’t forget to ask about the range of counselling services I offer to traumatised staff.
I’m also always on the lookout for dead kittens, so if your beloved little rapscallion has met a nasty or gruesome end, call me! I’ll take them in any condition: squashed by a car, chewed by a dog, drowned in a bucket, or even horribly deformed from birth. It doesn’t matter!
So what are you waiting for? Just send me your details and credit card number, and don’t forget to tell me the name on the card, the expiry date, and that three-digit number on the back. I’ll then be in touch to organise your kitten visit.Embed from Getty Images
Above: not a dead one
COMING SOON: PUPPIES IN SCHOOLS
Your kids will just love this! An animal encounter of a different kind, complete with biohazard suits! Watch this space.