For the record too


Above: Possibly the laziest of all fruits


Since everyone else is doing it, I want to get my predictions for the 2017 general election on the record.

My prediction is that the race will be a close one. But my prediction has a few caveats attached to it. Otherwise, what kind of idiot would I be to predict what is going to happen in two years’ time?

So, while I think it will be close, my prediction assumes that none of the following occurs prior to the election:

Protesters never saw this coming

New Zealand is struck by a giant asteroid, resulting in the devastation of most of the country. The handful of survivors are forced to eke out a miserable existence, finding what little food they can amidst the ruins of our town and cities, and fighting daily for their very survival against packs of giant marauding dogs grown fat from devouring the corpses of our dead and having now developed a taste for human flesh. Conveniently for the current government, almost all of the survivors will be attending the National Party annual conference at the time of the disaster. The bodies of the many hundreds of left-wing anti-globalisation/TPP protesters outside the conference venue will take the force of the impact.

PM Moroney

An investigation into John Key’s past will reveal the real reason why he cannot recall where he stood on the issue of the 1981 Springboks tour. It will be revealed that he wasn’t even in the country at the time. Video footage of Key will emerge showing him dressed in the uniform of Saddam Hussein’s Presidential Guard while attending a mass execution of Kurdish prisoners. Key will claim it is all a case of mistaken identity, and that the footage shows someone else. But then the uniformed figure in the video will speak: “Actually, at the end of the day, I think you’ll find I’m quite relaxed about all of these executions.” The widespread public revulsion will spell doom for National, and Sue Moroney (everyone else in Labour’s caucus will have had a turn at the leadership by then) will sweep Labour to power.

Bad sport

In an ill-judged woman’s magazine interview, Andrew Little will talk about his love for gardening, rugby, and strangling endangered birds. This will be a terrible strategic blunder that costs Labour dearly at the polls, as Little discovers that many on the left have no fondness for rugby.

Even cyborgs sometimes cry

John Key will have a life-altering experience after almost choking to death on a chicken bone during a dinner to honour the visiting President of Uganda.  As the entirety of his life flashes before his eyes, Key will ponder all the things he could have done, should have done, and still can do. That very night John Key will announce to a stunned nation that he is leaving Parliament with immediate effect in order to pursue his long held dream of being a ballroom dancing champion. A panicked National Party will elect Judith Collins as leader, but she will resign after only a month in office as the result of a routine medical examination, which uncovers the terrible truth that she is not actually human. A tearful Judith Collins will confess to TV reporter Brook Sabin that she is a cyborg sent here to sow misery and discord, in order to soften the inhabitants of Earth up for an invasion by the Xargoblapians, a savage race that resides on the edge of our galaxy. The Xargoblapians will invade in early 2017 and wipe out most of humanity. They will also seize all the world’s kiwifruit and take them back to Xargoplap to work as slaves in the mineral mines. This plan will not go well, as any idiot knows that gooseberries are a notoriously lazy fruit. The mineral mines will shut down, the Xargoplapians will not be able to build or repair any of their intergalactic warships, and then the enslaved kiwifruit will revolt, resulting in the utter collapse of the Xargoplapian civilisation. This will all happen on the afternoon of September 14 2017, just before dinnertime. Meanwhile, the three surviving New Zealanders will get together to vote for a new government. Unfortunately, some badly executed tactical voting will result in the Act Party taking all three seats in the new parliament.

Something else

Something else will happen in the next two years that has an effect on the popularity of our political parties.

Something something else

Pretty much anything could happen between now and election day in 2017.

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