A short message of thanks from John Key

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It’s good to know that as I return from a nice break in Hawaii, the public remain firmly behind us.

The polls continue to show that the public adore us, and it just doesn’t matter what we do or say. Ministerial bungling? They don’t care. Poverty, unemployment and rising inequality? They love it!

We can do anything we want and the public will stay loyal to us. I’ll prove it to you. See how I slap this small child on the face?

Pretty soon every Young Nat in the country will be trawling the shopping malls looking for toddlers to slap, and talkback hosts will be praising my get-tough stance on wayward youngsters. I look forward to reading John Armstrong’s opinion piece in the Herald tomorrow as he praises my sensible and pragmatic child-slapping policies.

Look, there’s a small kitten at my feet. How cute that little ball of fluff looks. Aren’t you a wubbly widdle kidden? Someone should really come and take you away before something bad happens. A bad man might try to hurt you.

Oh dear, it looks as if someone has strangled the poor little thing! Who me? No, it wasn’t me. It was probably David Cunliffe. Why don’t you ask David Cunliffe how that dead kitten ended up in my blood-soaked hands? You can’t trust a single thing that man says, and ask him about his secret trusts while you’re at it. If a man will keep a secret trust, then he’s only one small step away from strangling kittens.

That’s the difference between me and David Cunliffe. The public believe in me, and they know I’m focused on the issues that matter. Look, I’m relaxed about kitten strangling, because actually, at the end of the day it’s all about strong and stable government, and if a few felines happen to be choked along the way, then it’s a small price to pay when you consider that the alternative to National is a government that includes Labour, the Greens, Winston Peters and Hone Harawira.

I know I can count on your vote on September 20, and I thank you for your support. Now forgive me if I slip away, but my dinner is getting cold, and I really can’t wait any longer for that delicious roasted Maui’s dolphin served on a bed of brown rice and baby Kakapo.

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