A statement from the Trust’s spokesperson Ahab McReverend.

Like most right-thinking people, we were disgusted to learn that the Pineglades Naturist Club includes a sitting judge as one of its, er, members.

The word “Naturist” may sound wholesome enough, but there is nothing at all wholesome about nudity. Research shows us that a lot of sexual offending takes place while at least one of the participants is in a state of full or partial undress. Prolonged genital exposure can also lead to unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, and even hypothermia.

But the case of the disrobed judge is really just the tip of the iceberg. This unclad-magistrate story may reaffirm to us that human indecency knows no bounds, but we should hardly be surprised. The entire animal world has become a depraved and lawless environment, where modesty and chastity simply no longer exist. This is especially true in the whale community.

That is why we are speaking out. This has gone on for far too long. If we do not make a stand today, what will we say to our children when they ask why we failed to protect them? The Sensible Whaling Trust will no longer tolerate the growing tide of filth and indecency within the marine mammal community. Cetologists may shrug their shoulders or wring their hands and say “there is nothing we can do,” but that’s a cop-out.

For too long we have turned a blind eye to these aquatic nudist colonies. These gatherings have long been havens for immodesty and depravity, where naked cetaceans frolic with complete sexual abandon in the presence of their own children! But until the rise of the internet and social media it seemed like just another distant problem.  Whereas once our young people would have gone to a library or some other book-learning den of sin to find pictures of a naked whale, now they can access this filth online 24/7, often without any sort of adult supervision. Indeed, this whale pornography has become so ubiquitous that many parents now consider it perfectly normal.

But this rising tide of degeneracy has a cause. We didn’t get where we are overnight. Aquatic animal society has become more and more violent, perverted and lawless, thanks to the hands-off anything-goes attitudes of our hand-wringing do-gooder conservationists. While some whale species haven’t yet descended into routine orgiastic killing, an orca won’t hesitate to eat another marine animal or a penguin, because it knows it can do so with utter impunity. When we abolished whaling in this country we made these killer whales untouchable; we effectively gave them free licence to commit homicide whenever they felt like it. So it’s no wonder that these murderous mammals live their depraved and violent lives in defiance of all decent societal norms. Why wouldn’t they flaunt their nakedness before our vulnerable children?

The liberal laissez-faire attitude towards basic morality that has infested our schools, our judiciary and our political institutions, is now putting at risk what was once a simple childhood pleasure. It’s impossible to visit an animal theme park without being exposed in all directions to nudity, and the zoos are just as bad. Do we really want our impressionable children seeing these creatures swagger around with all their genitalia on display? It is bad enough that these animals have no respect for the institution of marriage.

The Sensible Whaling Trust demands action against these scumbags of the sea. If these cetaceans will not voluntarily cover themselves up, then they must be forced to do so, and that means urgent legislation. We urge the public to demand higher standards from the whale community, and we also call for an immediate ban on the publication and distribution of all lewd whale images. We demand that our politicians and the conservation community act without delay, for the sake of our precious children.