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A message to British Labour Party members from Jeremy Corbyn’s opponents

The party members have spoken, and now we move on. It’s time for us all to put the whole episode behind us as a party and focus on the real enemy.

We need to unite for the good of the party. We cannot continue to fight among ourselves, all the while allowing this awful Tory government to ride roughshod over the British people. To be an effective opposition we must be outwardly focused.

We cannot expect the voters to take us seriously while we remain unable to speak with one voice. We cannot ask them to entrust us with the governance of this country, if we cannot even govern ourselves.

We have had a bitter and protracted leadership contest, and a great many things have been said in the heat of battle, things that perhaps should not have been said. Mistakes have been made, and we have allowed our enemies to profit from our disarray. But that is all behind us now. We cannot change the past. All we can do is focus on the future and the need to form a credible and united opposition.

Now is a time for healing, for reconciliation. We may have our differences, but we all want the same thing. To get rid of these Tories, to form a government guided by progressive values. To make a positive change in the lives of ordinary working people, so many of whom have fallen victim to the harsh and brutal austerity measures of this callous government.

But to achieve these things we must first unite. Only two obstacles stand between us and the full realisation of our goals. The first obstacle is our own disunity. We are a divided party, and those divisions must end.

The second obstacle is Jeremy Corbyn and all the idiots who voted for him, which as it happens includes the great majority of you. What the fuck were you thinking?

You people know nothing. It’s about time you stopped telling us what you think. Look where that has got us. The very existence of Labour is now in jeopardy. We may be a party of the masses, but that doesn’t mean we have to listen to you unwashed morons. You have had your little bit of democracy. Now stand aside, little children, while Mummy and Daddy clean up the stinking mess you’ve made.

We cannot be a united party so long as someone we dislike remains in charge. We will only truly have unity when you bumpkins start listening to your betters. But we’re willing to forgive you your betrayals, this time, on the condition that you stop giving us your worthless opinions and instead give us your unconditional support. Like we said: healing and reconciliation, yadda yadda.

We are committed to a change of government, and to a Labour Party that has as its core a progressive platform and a focus on the things that really matter to the British people. We’ll work out exactly what those things are before the next election, hopefully, because frankly I have no idea what they might be. We may have to organise a number of focus group sessions to help us figure those things out, but our first priority has to be ridding ourselves of this socialist lunatic.

So unite behind us. Help us to continue the undermining of Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership. We all know that Corbyn cannot win a general election, largely because we won’t let him. So if you want a change of government, we’re your only option.