Above: Chris Trotter blames Poto Williams for Labour’s 2014 election loss

Chris Trotter has worked out who will be to blame for Labour’s 2014 election loss.

It seems unfair to blame the defeat entirely on an MP who only entered Parliament in 2013. Poto Williams didn’t do anything truly memorable as an MP prior to the 2014 election, and I suspect her name is still one that means nothing to most people.

So what did she do that was so bad? Or is she yet to do what she did back in 2014?

What I mean is this: If Chris Trotter is so certain Williams was behind the 2014 loss, then it can only be because she travelled back through time to wreck everything. Or is planning to.

If this is true, and admittedly I am only speculating here (although it’s informed speculation: I’m 95% certain Poto Williams has the power to travel back and forth across both time and space), then it raises a whole bunch of questions. Like:

• Why did Williams destroy Labour’s chances in 2014? What was her motivation? Was she so annoyed at her leader’s plan to give Willie Jackson a high list placing that she decided to sink the entire ship? Or maybe she hasn’t done it yet. Maybe it’s all planned for next week, after the next caucus meeting. But if she hasn’t yet sabotaged our chances and won’t do so until next week, does that then mean that, for the moment at least, Labour didn’t lose in 2014? It sure feels like we did.
• Just how did she do it? The moment in 2014 I realised all hope was lost was the day David Cunliffe gave his well-intentioned but politically catastrophic “sorry for being a man” speech. Did Poto Williams tamper with Cunliffe’s speech notes? How did she get hold of them? Did she materialise in Cunliffe’s office while he’d nipped out to the loo? But how? Does she have a Tardis?
• If Poto Williams has the power to travel across time and space, what the heck is she doing? Think of all the good she could have done throughout history. She could have averted the fall of the Roman Empire, killed tyrants, killed babies before they became tyrants, and warned us to take Donald Trump more seriously. She could have ensured Labour won in 2014, as well as in 2011 and 2008. But she did none of these things, even though she had the power to alter the course of history. Unless, of course, she is planning to do all these things next week. Maybe her Tardis is in the shop for repairs right now, or has failed its WOF.

The least Poto Williams can do is make sure Labour doesn’t lose in 2017. In that regard, her recent outburst regarding Willie Jackson (if a carefully PR-scripted critique can ever be categorised as an outburst) seems curious. One might be tempted to put the whole thing down to the usual identity politics disagreements within Labour (i.e. a lot of older white men screaming “identity politics!” every time someone who is not an older white man dares to speak up).

But remember, Poto Williams has the ability to see into the future. I have to believe she has the good of the party on her mind when she ventures forth with these attacks, so she obviously knows something we don’t. And my guess is that she knows it’ll all work out fine, all this public fighting and unpleasantness between party members in an election year. How could it be otherwise?