A day in the life of Gareth Morgan


Above: He hath spoken


10:08 am

Just spent a refreshing three hours discussing policy on Twitter. A lot of people on Twitter seem to think they can distract me with insults, but I’m not playing that game. The only thing that matters to me is policy. Read our policies, I tell them. I don’t care about personal abuse, and I won’t rise to your bait. This is not about personalities. And grow up and get a real job, you economically illiterate social media snowflake twitterati trapped in your beltway bubble identity politics echo chambers.

10.14 am

And now I’m being accused of sexism and misogyny! Don’t these shrill and hysterical women realise I know more about feminist theory than they do?

12:02 pm

The media are giving me a hard time, but I don’t care. This isn’t about me. I don’t want to be liked. There’s one campaign commitment I’m sure to keep!

1:37 pm

Just met with Sean. When I first started looking for a spokesperson for my party I realised I needed someone at the very top of their game. Someone with a long and distinguished radio career, with experience in political campaigning. But Pam Corkery wasn’t available.

“We need to focus on the policy,” I tell Sean. “People are spending too much time in this election campaign talking about personalities, but none of that matters. It’s all a distraction. The only thing that matters is policy. How do we get this message across?”

We decide to put an even bigger picture of my face on all the billboards.

1:42 pm

Sean tells me he has been doing vital campaign research. He has spent the last three days searching Google for uses of the term “lipstick on a pig.”

Whatever I’m paying him isn’t enough.

“Actually, what am I paying you?” I ask Sean.

“Um, about that, Gareth. We never got around to discussing money, but I was kind of hoping—“

“Read the policy. It’s all in the policy,” I respond quickly, before rushing to my next meeting.

4:12 pm

I ring Sean. “I’ve just thought up a new election slogan,” I tell him. “It’s a real zinger, and it encapsulates perfectly our message.”

“Does it involve animals?” he asks. “I’ve been working on ways to exploit the whole animal shtick you’ve got going on. I’m going to read out some lines, and I want you to tell me how you feel about them. Right, here goes: mascara on a manatee. Foundation on a ferret. How do you feel about eyeliner on an ocelot?”

“Ocelots are wild cats!” I scream, as an incoherent rage bubbles up inside me and the red mist overcomes my vision, leaving me breathless and with an urgent desire to commence the reaping.

I calm myself by thinking for a few minutes about tax policy, universal basic incomes and the need for an upper house of parliament.

“Sorry about that, Sean. Let’s put aside the animal analogies for the time being, shall we? I was thinking of something more direct. More in keeping with our overall message.

“How do you feel about TAKE YOUR MEDICINE?”

6:22 pm

Just saw the latest round of internal polling. I don’t understand the voters. I tell them they’re all idiots, and then I tell them to go read our policies. Why aren’t they listening?

Could it be that my strategy of outraging and insulting people just doesn’t work? Or perhaps my campaign of personal abuse just isn’t reaching enough potential voters. Maybe it’s time to double down on insulting the intelligence of people whose vote I need.

7:39 pm

We have the best policies. You won’t believe how great our policies are. These policies are amazing. We have such winning policies. When I’m in parliament we’re going to win so often you’ll get tired of winning.

Jacinda? Lock her up! SAD. #mnzga

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