It’s not always easy having something to say. If you put forward any sort of opinion, sooner or later someone will accuse you of being in the pocket of special interests.

One of the great tragedies of this site, apart from the quality of the content on it, is that I’ve never been able to make any money from it. You may occasionally see an ad pop up at the bottom of a post, but that’s a WordPress thing – letting the odd advert display keeps down the cost of my annual hosting package. I don’t make a dollar from this gig.

It seems to me that there’s a business opportunity here. If I’m going to be occasionally accused of being in someone’s pay, why don’t I go all the way? Why shouldn’t I actually take money from dark and insidious forces intent on destroying our fragile democracy?

So this is a call for sponsors. If you’re selling a lethal product, destroying the environment or are responsible for suffering in the third world, I’m here for you. Tell me what you want me to write, and let me know what you’re willing to pay. I’m starting from a zero base here, so rest assured I’ll be cheap. Much cheaper than the PR guy in Parnell you’re currently using.

It’s not just businesses I want to hear from: I’m willing to shill for anyone who has an odious agenda. I’m willing to be a loud voice for your lobby group. If your core mission is to slash taxes for the wealthy, lock up more brown people, or just stone to death anyone who doesn’t look and act like you, I won’t judge you – so long as you pay my invoices. I’m especially keen to work for those of you who think the chief problem with our country is that rich people aren’t getting even richer. You guys must have plenty of cash to burn. So Jordan, please give me a call.

If you think guns in kindergartens are a great idea, or that the Māui dolphin is a menace that should be hunted to extinction, it’s because you’re a really horrible human being. You may even be a psychopath. But you already know that. You just don’t care because, well, you’re a psychopath. And you know what? I don’t care either. Let’s work together!

Or perhaps you’re not evil. Maybe you’re just deranged. I usually draw the line at exploiting the mentally ill, but when there’s a dollar to be made that line conveniently disappears. That’s why I drew it in pencil. So if you have some crazy conspiracy theory you need to get out there, I’m just the man for the job – for a fee. Payment in advance, though. You may be crazy, but I’m not.

Drop me a line. Let’s talk about how we can make this world an even shittier place.