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Above: some nice young men go for an evening stroll.

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It seems these days that just about everyone is a Nazi. If you’re an active user of Facebook or Twitter, or have posted a comment on any online forum anywhere recently, someone will have called you a Nazi.

But is this true? How can you be sure that you really are a hate-filled vessel of garbage Nazi filth? Maybe you’re just, like, I don’t know, not a Nazi or something.

But what if there was a test you could take? Wouldn’t you want to rule out the possibility that you were in fact the worst sort of genocidal race-hating Nazi scum imaginable? Wouldn’t it be great to give peace of mind to potential partners and prospective employers?

Well now you can! Take my patented* Are You a Nazi? test and find out for yourself. All you need to do is answer a few simple questions.

Question 1:  Do you avoid expressing strong opinions online, for fear of generating a backlash from trolls?

If you answered yes:  You’re just along for the ride, aren’t you? You don’t want to cause a fuss, do you? You are pretty much the typical 1930s German. NAZI!

If you answered no: The one thing I think we can all agree on is that Nazis tend to have very strong opinions, and are not afraid to express these. NAZI!

Question 2: Do you think people should have the right to say what they want, even if what they say is racist?

Yes: Well of course you want people to say racist things. It’s because you agree with what they are saying, you NAZI.

No: So you think we need to impose limitations on the rights of others to say things you don’t like. You want to stifle the rights of others, you big fat NAZI.

Question 3: Are you tired of listening to entitled white guys moan about how they aren’t allowed to express their opinions anymore?

Yes: If only they would stop expressing their opinions about their inability to express opinions, and let someone else talk for a change, right? You want to stop people from being able to say just what they want in public, just like Hitler did. NAZI.

No: You just can’t get enough of white people. You probably own a t-shirt that says “It’s okay to be white.” NAZI.

Question 4: Do you think the #metoo movement has gone too far?

Yes: You’re an Incel creep. NAZI.

No: So you think the #metoo movement has barely scratched the surface when it comes to the terrible ways men have treated and continue to treat women.  That makes you a femi-NAZI.

Question 5: Do you have a Twitter account?

Yes: Are you a Russian bot? No? As far as I can tell the only people left on Twitter, apart from Russian bots, are NAZIS.

No: They booted you off Twitter because of your NAZI views, didn’t they?

Question 6: Do you dream of owning a powerful arsenal of weapons, and one day unleashing them against your enemies?

Yes: I’m afraid that’s a pretty standard NAZI fantasy.

No: Do you instead dream of taking away everyone else’s guns? So they can’t defend themselves against, say a fascist takeover of the state? Hmmm… You know what? I think you might be a NAZI.

Question 7: Do you have strong opinions on the use of the Oxford comma?

Yes: That would make you a NAZI (of the grammar variety).

No: It’s the apathy of people like you that allows despots to flourish. Presumably you also don’t care about the tyranny we’re all sliding towards. Or maybe you think it’s a good thing. NAZI!

Question 8: Do you worry about people from different races and religions coming over here stealing all the jobs and ruining your country, and bringing crime and disease, and they don’t even look like you do, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could just get rid of them all, and if only we had a strong leader who wasn’t afraid to take decisive action against these people, and against all our internal enemies too, those traitors who have colluded with our external enemies to bring our nation to its knees, and hanging would be too good for these people, and to hell with democracy, and with liberals and the intelligentsia and all the so-called experts who think they know best, and what we need right now is strong and decisive leadership, and only then will our nation be great again, and what we really need is a GREAT BIG FUCKING WAR, WHERE DID I PUT MY TIKI TORCH?

Yes: You’re probably just a FREEDOM-LOVING PATRIOT.

No: Probably a NAZI, for some reason.

* Disclaimer: No patents pending, sought, applied for or even contemplated. When I said “patented” I misspoke (or whatever the written equivalent of misspeaking is) – I meant to say NOT patented.