An Auckland man claims to have discovered an alternative version of the Treaty of Waitangi.

Norman McGill says a document he found in his attic last week proves that Maori gave away all of their lands and possessions, and ceded full sovereignty to the Crown.

McGill says he found the document during a clean-up of his attic last week. He said it was hidden away in a box of things he had inherited from an uncle several years ago.

“I don’t know how the treaty ended up with my uncle,” said Mr McGill. “But Uncle Otto was always known as a bit of a collector.

“He loved garage sales and was always collecting various treasures. Things like old stamps, theatre programmes, expired contraceptives and human hair. So I wasn’t really surprised to learn he’d acquired an alternative version of the Treaty.”

McGill said he immediately understood the importance of the document.

“I couldn’t believe it. I’ve been saying for years that the Treaty grievance industry is a monstrous con, and that it is time for white New Zealanders to stand up and say enough-is-enough.

“And then quite by chance an alternative version of the Treaty shows up in my hands, proving beyond doubt that everything the academics and Maoris have been telling us for years is completely false. What are the chances of that?

“I rushed to the internet to tell all my friends on Kiwiblog the news. To say they were excited would be an understatement.”

Author and professional racist James Buyan examined the document late last week. Buyan is convinced that the document is genuine.

“There can be little doubt about it,“ said Mr Buyan. “This document almost certainly post-dates all other versions of the Treaty, which means that it has to be the final word on what the intentions of Maori really were.

“And it’s clear from the text of this treaty that Maori gave up all of their lands and treasures, and ceded sovereignty to the British crown. In short, they have no right to the return of anything we took from them.

“In fact, it seems clear that we now have a potential claim against Maori for the return of all the land and money given to them as part of the Treaty settlement process, because they were given as a result of fraud.”

But not everyone is convinced that the document found in McGill’s attic is a historical treaty. Dr Edwina Bloom of the University of Auckland’s History Department claims that the document is a clumsy and obvious fake.

“Is this some sort of joke?” she asked when shown a photocopy of the document. “I don’t get it. Where’s the punchline?

“Look at the font. It’s been computer generated. God, you can even see the individual pixels. Do you really think people had computers back in the 1840s? This must have taken some racist nutjob all of five minutes to put together.

“Why are you wasting my time with this garbage? I have a lecture to prepare for.”

But Norman McGill rejects claims that the document is a cheap and clumsy fake.

“Of course she would say that. If the document is genuine it will show that everything she and her ivory tower academic colleagues have written about our history is completely wrong. It will be utterly career-destroying for people like Dr Edwina Bloom.

“And I’m insulted by her claim that this document took five minutes to throw together. That just shows she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, because it took almost three hours.”

The text of the Treaty:

Dear Queenie,

We changed our minds about that other bit of paper we signed the other day. Just put it in the bin.

We have decided to give you all of our lands, rivers, lakes, seabeds, beaches, forests, and other stuff we own. Just take want you want. It’s fine with us.

Nah, bro, we don’t need any money. Just throw a few blankets and muskets our way and we’ll be sweet as.

In return, you promise to give us culture and civilisation, and you’ll also let some of us play in the All Blacks. It’s a pretty good deal as far as we can see.

Chur bro

The Maoris

PS Oh, we almost forgot. You can have sovereignty too.

THE CROWN: Yep, we agree.