John’s Diary – 15/2/10

It’s been a tough week.

Had my big speech in Parliament on Tuesday. Managed to say not much, and didn’t commit to doing anything, which left me very pleased. Sat down after the speech feeling pretty good about myself, only for the other lot to start tearing strips off me. Who do they think they are? Don’t they know I won the election? They taunted me by saying the blogger David Farrar only rated my speech a B. Someone needs to remind Farrar who pays his wages.

I also announced we would look to increase GST to 15%. A lot of people are whining about this, and some of them claim I promised no GST increase. They say this proves I can’t be trusted. But I never said we wouldn’t raise GST. What I said was we wouldn’t have to raise GST if we did a good job governing this country. Which part of that statement was a lie? LOL!

I’m having a bit of bother with the media. First, the bastards at Close Up bumped me for Robin Brooke. The producers explained that getting a middle aged man to weep inconsolably on camera because he’d made a mess of things would be a ratings winner. But I refused, so they put on a story about a former All Black instead. LOL!

Then TV3 announced last night that I own shares in Uranium. I was pretty darned pleased to hear I owned a part of my favourite 80s rock band (Man I loved the 80’s – big hair, big corporate deals, power lunches. Don’t remember 1981 though). But then someone told me Uranium is, like, totally bad. They make nuclear weapons and stuff out of it. Still not seeing a problem. This is why I put all my shares in a blind trust – to make sure I don’t get in trouble over my share dealings. The funny thing being that blind trust is what people usually put in me. LOL!

The papers aren’t much better. That Steve Braunias is a funny guy – NOT!. Wrote a mocking satirical piece in the Sunday Star Times yesterday pretending to be my diary (how truly sad would someone have to be?). Well, Steve, if it was so funny, how come I wasn’t laughing? Maybe I’ll get the SIS to take him out with “extreme prejudice”, as they say in the films. Though I’m not sure if they’re allowed to do that, so it may have to be a dirty job on the quiet. But who do I know who can sort this? That Slater guy might be the go. He spends most of his time on character assassination, and extreme prejudice is his speciality. LOL!

I’m very excited about my plan to make NZ a super-fund hub. It’s one of those big plans that will transform our economy. Like the nine-day working week. LOL! They did this super-fund thing in Ireland and look how that turned out. Okay, so the Irish have a crippling national debt and mass unemployment, but then they didn’t have a national cycleway plan, did they? This one is next on my urgent-action list, just after my plan to save the whales.

You see, big thinking is my greatest strength. I’ve got some great ideas for how we can make this country more prosperous, and I want us to use our science and innovation sector to lead the way. I know why our science sector is failing to perform. They simply don’t want it badly enough, are too process-driven and are practically looking for reasons to fail. Well I’ve had enough. So I got some expensive consultants in to take a look at the CRI sector. Rodney’s also been at me to slash red tape in the CRI sector for yonks, and with his help I’ve put together an action list. It includes abolishing scientific method, and rewriting the rules of physics and chemistry to be consistent with IFRS. I’m also thinking of making Simon my chief scientific adviser. Ian Wishart was unfortunately unavailable. (Note to self: price of gold is expensive, so ask Simon whether anyone in the CRI sector is looking at alchemy)

I just got voted the country’s hottest politician, ahead of Simon Bridges. David Garrett was desperate for a win, and was trying to get all his friends to vote for him, until he found out it was a poll on the most sexy, not most sexist. LOL!

That will do. Have lots of big thinking to do.