John’s Diary 6-4-10

Here I am again.

Easter was nice, but now people are asking about our shop opening hours. Well I’m a relaxed guy, and that’s why I’d like to see Easter trading laws relaxed. But I’m relaxed about when that might happen. I’ve said we might take a look at these rules, but once we realise that relaxing them will involve debate and confrontation, we may just relax our stance on relaxing the rules. Don’t want to spoil my relaxation, after all. LOL!

I’m off on holiday again to visit our US friends this week. My aides tell me it’s something to do with nuclear profiteroles. I guess they’ll be off the menu then, because there’s nothing worse than a bout of the squirts to make a photo opportunity with the President look bad.

But it was time I took a break. The ungrateful proles will bleat.  They seem awfully attached to their conservation land. I’m told by my aides that some of this real estate is quite picturesque (note to self: look at possibility of buying apartment on one of these sites). But Gerry says modern mining operations are surgical and won’t cause harm to the environment. Mind you, Gerry also wants to dig postcard sized holes on Eden Park, which if you ask me is a damn silly thing to do. I gave Gerry a piece of my mind when I heard that, I can tell you. You know what he said? He said “John, I’ll do the thinking, you just keep waving”.

Paula’s getting tough on beneficiaries. You go girl! There’s nothing more appealing to the voters of this country than someone who’s made good off our welfare system depriving others of it. Paula says it’s a much needed kick in the pants, and she’s more than happy to be the one doing the kicking. Just as well most people on invalids benefits can’t fight back. LOL!

She’s got a point though.  There are too many unproductive people doing little and getting fat off the effort of others. And not all of them are in my Cabinet.  Anyway, why don’t these people just go out and get a job? The fact there are no jobs, or that the jobs that exist have working hours so unfriendly they make it impossible for anyone with a family to work them, is no excuse. They need to try harder! Or at least be quiet and stop whining. They make me look bad.

This leaky homes thing is going to cost the country a lot of money. It turns out that softening building regulation in the 1990s wasn’t such a smart thing to do, and that deregulation will now cost the nation billions. I asked Rodney whether that meant his deregulation bill was a bad idea. He explained it to me really well. You see, 1990s deregulation is like ’90s pop music. Remember the Macarena, Seal and Michael Bolton? Gee, they sucked! But the modern variety is much slicker. Rodney’s red-tape cutting crusade is like a sweet Nickelback guitar solo, or a pumping Miley Cyrus tune. So it’s not at all something we’ll look back on in five years and wonder what the hell we were doing.

Talking of being down with the kids, you should have seen me at my old school’s 50th birthday celebrations over the weekend. I told a story about my old days at Burnside High that made everyone laugh. I can still remember everything about those golden days. It’s only at about 1981 that my memory gets fuzzy. LOL!

I’d better go. Have a plane to catch. My mate Barack might even remember me!