And Mr Asia Was A Kiwi!

Our effort in securing a draw against Slovakia in the World Cup is admirable, and deserving of celebration.

That is because we’re a small nation. Unlike mighty Slovakia, which doth bestride the world like a Colossus. After all, there are only thirty-something other teams in the world better than the Slovaks.

So it’s only natural that when one cheeky Australian journalist tries to give Australia some credit for our non-victory, we ought to behave like Islamic fundamentalists who’ve just been shown cartoons of the Prophet flashing his bits.

I know some people will say we shouldn’t give a crap about what one Aussie journo thinks, and that in fact we shouldn’t care at all what other people think about us. We should not be so insecure, they will say. This is all just a beat up story by a news media desperate to pump more life into this heroic non-victory.

Sure, sure. But those Australians have been taking credit for all of our achievements for years: Crowded House and Phar Lap are but two examples (we will let them keep Russell Crowe).

So this is the last straw. We must fight back. We cannot tolerate such trivial insults by a nation that hardly knows or cares that we exist.

The first thing we do is impose trade sanctions. Let’s see how they like it when we don’t let them have our apples. Hah!