No-nonsense conservative columnist Dr. Frank Shizenhausen’s latest blistering attack on political correctness

I was delighted to read that the Prime Minister thinks the All Blacks captain ought to be tasered if he fails to bring the World Cup home to New Zealand.

It’s good to see our PM insisting on there being consequences for failing to achieve important national goals. The World Cup is a must-win, and if we don’t win we ought to be able to take all of our frustrations and disappointment out on one person. That’s how all great team sports work. Failure is not an option.

The ancients understood the importance of human sacrifice. In times of great trouble some poor soul would be selected to be burned alive, torn open or otherwise disposed of in some gruesome but entertaining manner. Never mind that they worshipped evil pagan gods, rather than the One and True Christ. The idea’s still a good one. Only with blood can the nation’s anxieties and pains be assuaged.

But shooting several thousand volts into someone is plain stupid. Where’s the blood in that? And what about the incredible wastage in power? In my view you can’t go past the traditional ways, which is why when I was a lad in Christchurch hanging about with my jackbooted friends we’d never have dreamed of electrocuting someone in such a cold and calculated way.

No, it needs blood. But they don’t call them bloodsports for nothing, so let’s give the All Black captain a sporting chance. Give him a head start to make a run for it before releasing the dogs. And it will be great exercise for the chaps galloping across the countryside looking for a haunted and defeated man to ride down.

The liberals will tell you we can’t treat people that way, but we can do as we please if we have the power and the will to do it. The mighty and glorious British Empire was built on the back of man’s inhumanity to other men, and were the British aristocracy not also expert huntsmen? And look at the magnificent Roman Empire. A few million ungrateful people may have been butchered, raped or enslaved as their lands became part of that marvelous realm, but surely it was worth that minor inconvenience to be part of something so splendid. I’ve always said that if you want to make an omelette you have to be prepared to hurt a lot of people until they are cowering with such fear that you can take all the eggs you want. Ruthlessness may not make you a lot of friends, but it gets the job done.

This insistence on achievement and standards brings me to another thing I want to discuss. We all know about the ongoing debate over the implementation of National Standards in schools. Why there should even be a debate continues to astound me. The teachers, principals and education experts who oppose National Standards are being disloyal to the State, and ought to rounded up and soundly horsewhipped.

But teachers have always been a troublesome lot. When I was a boy they were always picking on me unjustly and accusing me of things I had not done. I showed them up by displaying an unflinching attitude towards their bullying and tyranny. Those were the days when the sensible use of corporal punishment was the hallmark of every great school. So when they threatened me with the cane or strap I just laughed at them, even though they always hit me harder as a result. It was the making of me as a man, and I grew to appreciate the feel of leather against skin. I have become a better cricket umpire for that ordeal.

But I also had some good teachers amidst the dross. They were mostly tough and wouldn’t let me get away with anything. My favourite secondary school teacher was a Mr Smith. I was a little ratbag to him, but he would bend me over his desk and give me a good pounding. Afterwards he would sometimes beat me. I learned a lot from that man, and I have tried to pass those lessons on to the kids I mentor as a Boy Scout volunteer.

Nowadays the only people allowed to administer beatings are the media. The pack are like hunting dogs, sniffing out any story that will bring a great man to his knees. Take that Robin Brooke fellow. Who can say with hand on heart that they haven’t also abused their responsibility and gone about getting young and impressionable girls drunk, having their way with them without their consent? Because that’s what the media hounds are accusing this poor man of doing, as if that is some sort of crime.

I ask you, when will this PC madness end?