A special in-depth report on the complex issue of overseas investment in New Zealand

The ongoing attempts by a Hong Kong company to acquire the Crafar farms are the latest development in a recent trend of foreign devils buying our land, according to official figures obtained yesterday.

The figures show that acquisitions by overseas bloodsuckers threaten the Kiwi way of life.

They establish that if current levels of overseas investment continue we will be overrun by funny-looking people whose personal habits are frankly appalling, and my God will you look at what that woman is wearing, don’t those people have any decency at all, mind you the other lot are worse, because if they get their way our woman will all be in burkas and there’ll be mosques on every street corner.

In the past five years foreigners have acquired over 150,000 hectares of land. That’s an area the size of Stewart Island. According to official statistics the likelihood of finding someone in a call centre who speaks the Queen’s English is going to decline even further, and it’s bad enough already when you ring the bank and you get some stupid woman from Bangladesh or the Philippines who doesn’t have a clue what you want or what you’re trying to tell them, and if these people want to come over here and steal our land couldn’t they at least have the decency of learning to speak English?

The figures show that much of the land acquired was for farming, and you know these people are all the same, hiding their fanaticism long enough so they can come over here, infiltrate our society and then proceed to take it over, well that’s their plan, but if you think I’m going to just sit back and let a bunch of terrorists and extremists ruin this great and inclusive society we have going on you can think again my friend, because I am not going to take it.

Business leaders and Government officials agree that foreign ownership and overseas investment raise difficult issues. They all agree that the nation needs foreign capital if it is to compete internationally, though I don’t see why, and anyway why should we let those filthy foreigners come over here, take our jobs and ravish our animals? Some of these people don’t even use toilet paper.

“Overseas investment is important to the New Zealand economy”, said Prime Minister John Key, who is currently in China. He has been in that country meeting a number of typically untrustworthy and devious oriental officials, while trying to avoid the masses, who are notoriously uncouth and dirty.

Mr Key has also signed a number of trade agreements with the Chinese, though why he thinks agreements with such a sly race would be worth the paper they’re written on is something you’ll just have to ask him. 

“Our businesses need access to foreign capital to grow, so we should welcome investment from overseas. But we also need to strike a balance, to ensure our unique culture and way of life are preserved,” Mr Key told reporters as he lunched with officials in Beijing.

“Above all else, Kiwis are fair-minded and tolerant people, and we have to make sure we never lose that… excuse me a minute… what the f**k is that? You call that food? I’m not eating that shit. Can’t I just get a simple f**king sandwich? What is wrong with you people?”