Please, God, don’t let this happen.

Speculation is rife that NZ First leader Winston Peters and his former adviser Michael Laws are to team up again as part of a “relaunch” of the party this year. 

Neither Mr Laws, who is to stand down as Whanganui mayor this year, nor Mr Peters would confirm the rumours. But MPs from both sides of the House and sources close to NZ First said they were aware of plans.

You need to sort this out, and quickly. Please don’t forsake us in our hour of need.

I know you are a busy God, what with all that smiting and turning people into pillars of salt, so you probably don’t appreciate what a truly awful piece of humanity this Laws fellow is. Let me assure you that he is not fit to hold public office. Please, take my word for it. When have I ever let you down?

Oh, you mean apart from all the times I made fun of your followers? So I’m not perfect.

And I know I am generally dismissive of anyone who frames their life around a belief in the Great Sky Fairy. But come on, you have to admit The God Delusion is a cracking read.

Anyway, let’s move on, as Tony Blair would say. Forget the past, because I need you now. You can’t let this happen. You need to do something. ,

The Lord shall smite thee with a consumption, and with a fever, and with an inflammation, and with an extreme burning, and with the sword, and with blasting, and with mildew; and they shall pursue thee until thou perish.

Your words, not mine. I’m not saying that’s what you should do, because, man, that’s just some crazy shit.

But you need to do something.

God, it’s time to step up to the plate. You’ve not been keeping up with business. Have you seen the mess in the Middle East? You’re lucky we don’t vote for you because you’d be toast come election time.

Dude, sort it out!