Chris Carter promised last night that he would dish the dirt on Labour if they kicked him out of the party.

We don’t have to wait for Carter to release the dirt. I have it. Someone close to Carter has leaked the explosive material to me.

You won’t believe your eyes, so sit down and take a deep breath.

• Phil Goff was in fact born Otto von Stauffenbrunner in Munich in 1912. He met Hitler in Munich in 1929 and joined the Nazi Party a year later. He was instrumental in planning the purge against Ernst Rohm and the SA in the Night of the Long Knives in 1934, and later served as an aide to the Fuhrer. In 1942 he requested that he be transferred to active duty, and he later served as a senior officer in the Waffen SS on the Eastern Front. He was responsible for the destruction of a number of towns and villages in the Ukraine, and for the deaths of several thousand Jews. He fled the downfall of Nazi Germany in 1945, and was smuggled out of Europe with the aid of the Vatican. He spent several years living in Argentina but decided to leave after the Israelis kidnapped his good friend Eichmann. He then made his way under disguise to New Zealand and created a false identity with the help of contacts in ODESSA. He has had plastic surgery numerous times to conceal his true age, which is ninety-eight. An ardent Nazi, he despises homosexuals, which is why he has targetted Carter from the beginning. According to Carter, only a handful of people within the party know Phil Goff’s true identity. Helen Clark knew, but kept it secret, for fear of alienating the unions and other core non-Nazi elements of the party.

• Phil Goff is also almost certainly a vampire. Goff sat at a Cabinet table with Roger Douglas for a number of years in the 1980s. Douglas would have had plenty of opportunities to bite Goff. That’s why Goff almost always wears a collared shirt.
• Trevor Mallard has an assault conviction, after attacking Tau Henare. This makes Mallard a Maori-basher, ergo an evil racist.
• Jacinda Arden is a hardened communist. She is the current President of the International Union of Socialist Youth. An organisation name like that can mean only one thing. They are coming for you, Kulak!
• Andrew Little is a real meanie.