Thousands Come Together In Anti-Christchurch Concert

While tens of thousands turned up in Christchurch today for the earthquake relief concert Band Together, another concert dedicated to Christchurch was taking place further north.

Thousands gathered in the Auckland Domain this evening for the “Let’s Burn Christchurch” free concert.

Concert-goers ranged from the elderly to young families. Police estimated that at least 70,000 had gathered by 6pm to give their support to demolishing the pustule on the nation’s backside that is Christchurch.

New Auckland mayor Len Brown roused the crowd with a stirring speech as night fell.

Mr Brown said that he didn’t like Christchurch, and that he hoped another major earthquake would come soon to finish the job.

His speech was greeted with cheering and sustained applause.

The crowd appeared largely good-natured, and police said that apart from a large number of savage beatings and knifings, things had gone smoothly.

Event promoter Jasmine Curry said she was pleased with the turnout.

“We’ve all got friends and family in Christchurch, and we all know the hell they’ve been through since the big quake.

“All the same, that’s no reason to suddenly pity the fools who have chosen to live in the foulest city in the Southern Hemisphere.

“Every time I see a Cantabrian I roll up a great big glob of spit in my mouth and let it launch.”

Ms Curry said the money raised during the concert would go to a number of Canterbury projects.

“We’re building a great big dirty bomb,” she said. “It’ll make the earthquake seem like a fart.”

Prime Minister John Key was in Christchurch today, but his opposite number Phil Goff made an appearance at the Auckland event.

Mr Goff appeared on stage wearing a t-shirt with the words “Fuck Christchurch” on it.

“To the people of Canterbury, we are gathered here to send a message of support,” said Mr Goff.

“Support for burning down your stinking main city and every goddamn surrounding town. You people make me sick. All of you! I hate you all so much!”

An emotional Mr Goff was led away shortly afterwards by his minders, screaming obscenities while being restrained.

But it was the music the crowds came to hear. They were treated to a mixture of popular modern tunes and some classic Kiwi rock anthems. The crowd boogied to Frankie Stevens and Tina Cross singing the popular tune I’m yearning for Christchurch burning, while Neil Finn wowed the audience with some of his great hits, like Christchurch Better Be Gone Soon, Don’t Dream It’s On Fire, and Six Months In A Leaky Boat would still be better than even a minute in that poxy place.

The concert closed just after 9pm, after a stirring show by the headline act The New Beatles.

The surviving Beatles had been keen to be involved as soon as they heard about the concert. Paul McCartney told the crowd that he had vivid memories of Christchurch from their 1964 tour to New Zealand.

“I mean, what a god-awful place. Christ, I can’t believe they didn’t just bulldoze it years ago.

“When I heard about this concert I thought ‘I have to be involved’. Christchurch was about the worse place we ever toured. I still have nightmares about the people.

“George was never the same after that concert. I do believe all the foul memories of the place ate away at him for years, and finally killed him.”

Organisers estimate that at least a million dollars was raised towards a giant dirty bomb. They are also planning to use some of the money raised to build a giant wall around the entire Canterbury region, so that nobody can get on or out.