Jesus Murder Case: Authorities To Re-Open Investigation After Father’s Pleas

Biblical authorities confirmed yesterday that they would consider re-examining some of the evidence in the Jesus murder case, after a plea from the father of the victim.

Last week the New Zealand Herald published an interview with God, the father of Jesus.

“I just want answers,” said God.

“Not a day goes by when I don’t think about that boy. And all these years not knowing who did it. It breaks my heart. Some days I get really mad at the world, and lash out.”

God said that the death of His son had sent Him into a destructive cycle.

“Plagues, wars, smitings and earthquakes. You name it, I’ve done it. I even made sure that the land where they killed my son would never see peace.”

Jesus Christ was crucified by the Romans 2000 years ago, on the instigation of religious authorities. But the Roman soldiers who nailed him to the cross and speared him have never been identified.

Some people have also questioned the official version of the Jesus story.

The official biblical investigation found that Judas Iscariot betrayed Jesus to the Jewish high priest, Caiaphas, in return for 30 pieces of silver.

But supporters of the disgraced Judas say he was made a scapegoat, and that the evidence for Judas’ involvement is questionable.

They point to the Gospel of Judas, which indicates that Judas was acting on instructions from Jesus.

Mary Peters, one of Judas’ supporters, said Judas had been unfairly targeted and that the Jesus case had led to his untimely death.

“Such was the pressure on him that he hanged himself. He just could not take all the insults and vilification,” said Mrs Peters.

“It’s time to re-open the investigation, and to clear Judas’ name once and for all.”

Meanwhile, a group of former and current sports stars have lent their weight to a bid to re-open an investigation into the death of Jesus.

“My autograph? Um… yeah okay,” said Leon Dexter, a prominent rugby sevens star, when asked if he would sign a petition calling on authorities to re-open the investigation.

And a former Silver Ferns captain, Yvonne Sneltz, currently on trial for the murder of her mother, agreed that society owed it to God find a way to ease His pain.

“I support the Herald’s campaign. I like seeing pictures of someone other than me on the front page of the Herald,” said Ms Sneltz.

However a prominent atheist, Dr. Jordan Brunswick, and author of Show Me The Money: Why God Doesn’t Exist, said that a new investigation would be a waste of resources.

“God is sad, God is upset, and wants answers. Well tell me this: how can an imaginary being feel pain? Even if we were to accept that God might exist, which is utterly absurd proposition, how can this all-powerful being not know what happened to his own son. To Himself, in fact! Such is the whole f**ked up trinity thing.”

But in a stinging editorial this morning, the New Zealand Herald rebutted Dr Brunswick’s claims.

“Dr. Brunswick, stop being such a spoilsport. We’ve put an enormous amount of resources into reviving this old story. We ain’t got nothing better for our front pages, so give it a break will you?”