I have had a contact in the Beehive (Let’s just call him Bill) drop a bombshell today.

He sent me a pile of emails from the PM’s own computer. I can’t even guess how he got hold of them, but he insists I publish them, even though it puts him at great personal risk.

The emails show an exchange between senior Warner Bros executive Albert Brassica and Prime Minister John Key over the weekend just passed. I have transcribed the full exchange below, in the interests of democracy and accountability.

Hopefully the news media will now take this story up.

Albert Brassica (AB):

John

It looks as if this is getting great publicity. I just wanted to say you’re doing a great job for us here at Warners.

John Key (JK):

Albert

The suckers are reeling. Had a big union rally last week and nobody noticed. People are falling over themselves to put the boot into the actors.

It was a great idea you guys had. Smash the unions and make me look good when I come to the rescue.

AB:

Don’t thank me – thank Sir Peter! It was his idea to drain the life out of the actors’ union. Low wages here we come!

And don’t thank us too much. It’s not like we didn’t get our pound of flesh!

JK:

Union flesh! Is there any tastier dish?

You guys drive a hard bargain, though. Bill will be fuming when he finds out how much of a tax break I’ve promised you.

When Bill gets uppity I just remind him of the 2002 election.

AB:

Wait, you guys have elections? I thought you had a new king or something.

I like my unionist bloody. Seared on the grill for only a couple of minutes, then turned. Keeps the juices inside.

JK:

Albert, Aragorn was just a character in the Lord of the Rings films. We have a queen. But I’m really the one in charge, when my Business Roundtable bosses let me off the leash that is.

How do you tenderise the meat? Don’t you find some of the louder noisier unionists a bit, well, tough? God, imagine trying to chew into Sue Bradford.

AB:

Come on, John, stop pulling my leg. Next you’ll be saying you don’t have any hobbits there.

You mean we could have made these films in Ireland after all?

JK:

No hobbits. It’s true.

But where else in the world are you going to find someone as cynical, manipulative and despicable as me? You need me.

AB:

LOL! That’s for sure.

Try marinating them for a couple of hours before you slap them on the hot grill. Red wine and garlic, and a sprinkling of virgins’ blood mixed in.

JK:

I’ll try that when you’re next down here. I love a barbecue almost as much as I love to perpetuate acts of dastardly evil against the good, decent hardworking folk of this country.

AB:

Amen to that. Bring it on!

JK:

I hope you enjoy the spectacle of my crushing the life blood from the union movement once and for all. ONCE AND FOR ALL!

LONG LIVE THE REPTILIAN ELITE!

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA! BWAH HA HA HA HA!

AB:

You okay there, John?

JK:

Yeah, left the room and the cat walked on my computer keyboard. Must have turned caps lock on.