Talk is cheap. It’s time to unleash Hell.

The British have really stuffed us this time.

It will now cost up to NZD$356 in taxes for a passenger to fly from the UK to New Zealand and Australia.

This outrage has the potential to derail our tourism industry, which still relies heavily on British visitors, and to damage our economy.

This cannot be tolerated, and something must be done.

By strange chance, two other things of note have occurred.

• The UK has announced massive cuts in defence spending, and is looking to slice considerable numbers from its defence forces.
• We are undergoing a review of our own defence spending and capabilities, with a view to determining the shape of our future military forces.

Do you see where I’m going with this? This outrage can’t be left to stand. And it won’t have to. The UK is in the process of cutting back the very forces that currently prevent us from launching an all-out attack on them. The silly fools!

So let’s use this defence review process wisely. If we start planning now we should be in a position to take them down in five years.

Here’s what I want to see come out of the defence review:

Aircraft carriers 

Let’s face the facts. The UK is bloody miles away. If we’re to strike ruthlessly at Britain’s cities and military installations we’ll need a carrier force. We simply can’t fly our combat missions from ten thousand miles away.

By chance the UK is looking to scrap some of its carrier forces, so we should be able to get a carrier or two on the cheap. The fools! Oh the irony of using their own tools against them.

Fighter and bomber aircraft

Of course, aircraft carriers need planes. Let’s buy those F16s – hundreds of the buggers. We’ll also need a strategic bomber force if we’re to bring them to their knees. The Germans tried to cower Britain in World War Two by bombing its cities and killing civilians, and, while the Germans may have failed, modern technology is much more terrifying.

While civilian deaths are regrettable etc etc, the Israelis will tell you that you can’t make an omelet without bombing a few orphanages.

So let’s see what the US will let us buy. If the price to pay for a few stealth bomber squadrons is their nuclear ships visiting us then that’s fine. It’s worth it for the sheer delight of watching the face of the British PM as squadron after squadron of RNZAF bombers wreak havoc over Westminster, and as the iconic Big Ben tumbles to the ground leaving only rubble.

Fanatical shock troops

Modern warfare is mechanised and sophisticated, but there’s still a place for passion and daring. Let’s start indoctrinating our young lads right now, so that when the war comes their hatred of the Poms will be so fierce they will be prepared to charge tanks and fixed gun positions with little more than the feeble World War Two vintage rifles we will arm them with (because we’ll have pretty much spent all our money on ships and planes).

We’ll start by regularly showing our boys copies of Stephen Jones’ rugby columns from the Sunday Times. 

Nukes

This is the elephant in the room. The UK is a nuclear power. If we want to take on a nuclear power we’d better hit them hard with everything, and that means nukes. 

We’d best start talking to any rogue Russian or Pakistani scientists we can find right now, because it may take a few years to build up our secret reactors.

But this is totally do-able. Wasn’t a New Zealander the first to split the atom?

Propaganda

In all wars it’s essential to keep morale up, and to convince the enemy that their cause is not worth fighting for.

They’re about to start shooting the most expensive films of all time in our very own country. Sir Peter Jackson seems like a good patriot. Someone ought to have a word with him, so that suitable political messages can be weaved through the narrative of the films.

Diplomacy

Propaganda on its own isn’t enough. We’ll need to use all our powers of persuasion before we launch our attack, if we are to be perceived by the world press as the good guys. If we don’t win the hearts and minds of the rest of the world, we may risk looking like the enemy, and (Heaven forfend) some other military power may come to Britain’s aid.

We need to find a spokesperson for our cause who is both eloquent and unscrupulous. Let’s find out what Tony Blair’s price is. He’s a man who seems to have no principles, and he’s British too. Plus the Americans love him.

We also know for a fact that the UK is harbouring weapons of mass destruction, so let’s go with that angle.

So that’s my five year plan. I know five years is an awfully long time to wait when you yearn with every fibre of your being to burn their cities and towns to the ground, but it may be some consolation that we get to smash their rugby team this weekend.