The news from Bill English was all bad today. The Government’s previous growth projections have been wildly optimistic, and it turns out that we really are in a hole. The deficit is now enormous, and the Government has some tough decisions to make.

We need to come up with ways to save money or generate cash, and fast. Luckily I have ten great ideas:

• Get Oprah here. Once she’s given our country the treatment we’ll have thousands of Americans throwing cash at us. We don’t have a fancy Opera House, but we do have something the Australians dont: Sheep World. They could organise the event and put on a few plates of sandwiches and sausage rolls at the end for the hungry masses.
• If we’re going to be mean to beneficiaries, why these half-measures? Clearly a decision has been made at the highest level that people on welfare don’t deserve anything, and that if they starve to death then that’s their own fault. So why aren’t we selling their body organs and rendering the rest of their parts into soap?
• We have a Beehive in Wellington, but why aren’t there any bees in it? We could rent out whole floors to those people who have always aspired to be apiarists but just can’t face living in the country. And can you blame them, with all the cows and sheep pooing everywhere? Disgusting!
• Sell Christchurch. Sure, it’s damaged goods, but someone must want it. 
• There’s money in reality TV shows. A show depicting a day in the life of our beloved PM would be a ratings hit, especially when all the bees start chasing him down the 9th floor corridor.
• There’s also money in piracy. If we sit our pirate fleet off the coast of Australia there are bound to be some good pickings. This will require a fleet of mobile and reliable boats, so our men can make their getaways. Better not send our navy vessels then.
• What good has ever come from learning? We’ve all heard the saying “a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.” And as responsible parents none of us want to subject our precious children to any sort of peril. So let’s be done with the education system, and sell all that valuable school land. That would see most of the deficit abolished overnight.
• Instruct Treasury to invest more in Lotto tickets and bonus bonds.   
• Why don’t politicians advertise more? I don’t just mean advertising their policies or themselves. For example, why can’t the 2011 Budget be brought to us by Kellogg’s Sultana Bran? Or be read by Ronald McDonald? This isn’t a huge departure from our current practice. We already have a clown as Finance Minister.
• Let’s just print more money.