My Gift To You

Dear readers,

I know this is a busy time of year for you, but I also know you’ve been struggling over what to get me for Christmas. So I thought I should write a gift list. Consider it my gift to you.

It might seem presumptuous to even think you’re planning to buy me a gift, but I know for a fact that, were it not for my regular blog posts, your life would be in a very dark place indeed. The various ailments, criminal charges and financial indiscretions you struggle with on a daily basis would bring down most people. But then you’re not most people. Luckily for you, nor am I.

It doesn’t bother me a bit that this site has not won any awards, or that my daily traffic is not in the tens of thousands of hits like it should be. I know all of these things should be happening, and that I ought to be regularly interviewed on the radio and TV for my opinions on the matters of the day. I’m not at all bothered by the fact that Women’s Day still hasn’t returned my calls.

Still, a bit of recognition and gratitude wouldn’t go astray, would it?

But you can make a difference. That’s why I’m writing this post, and why I put the list together.

I’m not greedy enough to suggest that you should get me everything on the list, but I’m sure one of my clever computer-programmer readers can create an online list so that people can put their names against the gift they are going to give me. Kind of like an online wedding list, but without the wedding.

Here’s the list.

  • Month: I want a month of the year named after me. Julius Caesar and Augustus got their own months, and what did they ever do for anyone? I’m not sure there are any official ways of making this happen. I suspect it will just take lots of lobbying, and a huge publicity campaign.
  • Immunity from prosecution: I want one of those “get out of jail free” cards. If I am strolling along some nice part of town and see a modern European car I like, I want to be able to turf the driver out at the barrel of a gun and drive off, and with no consequences to myself. If someone really annoys me, I want to know that I have complete freedom to deal with them as I please, and without having to explain myself to the cops. This is a bit easier than naming a month after me. It just requires you to have a word to Gerry Brownlee, who will pass an Order in Council for you. Actually, come to think of it, Gerry can change the entire calendar by Order in Council.
  • Cash: I feel a little vulgar just demanding cash, so here’s what I’ll do. For every $1000 you send to me I’ll place your name somewhere in a blog post. $10,000 gets your picture posted on this site. $100,000 and I’ll rename my site for a day to anything you want. That way you get something in return.
  • Veneration: If I want people to adore me and prostrate themselves in my presence, that doesn’t mean I’m vain. Maybe I am actually the son of God. How can you be sure I’m not? I may not care much for all the trappings that come with being a Messiah, but if I am to be respected and feared I must keep up with the Jehovahs. So what I’d really like this Christmas is to walk into a crowded room and have everyone swoon. And preferably due to awe and general religious mania, rather than as a result of chemicals being sprayed on them.
  • A knighthood: It’s the least you lot can do for me. I really would like to be a Duke, but let’s get the knighthood out of the way this year. I can move into the aristocracy next Christmas.
  • An island: Preferably somewhere pleasant and tropical. Just not Pitcairn.
  • An Amosu diamond-encrusted Iphone: This is a steal at only £15000. So go and steal it for me.
  • A slave army: I don’t know about you, but sometimes just getting out of bed can be a drag. Imagine having litter-bearers who could just carry you about, bed and all, and having armed thugs who could clear the path when something annoying was blocking in your way, like an orphanage or convent. I think Gerry might be able to organise this one too, though there could be some tricky constitutional issues to grapple with (the whole slavery thing might get some people’s noses out of joint. You know how sensitive some people can get about human rights).

So get to work, people. You’ve only got two sleeps until Christmas, so you’ve left it rather late.

On the other hand, I know it’s not easy organising gifts when you’re in the slammer. It’s just lucky your bail hearing went so well, and that the star prosecution witness had that terrible accident. I’m always telling people not to play with machetes.