Are you on Twitter? If not, then you are missing a veritable rollercoaster ride of fun, frivolity and high drama.
If you are a Twitter enthusiast then, like me, you are living the dream.
For those of you who are yet to join in the social media phenomenon, I have nothing to say to you. How do you sleep at night? Won’t someone think of the children?
For the rest of you, a simple instruction: follow me.
My long-term plan in joining Twitter is to gather up enough followers so that I can issue orders to my millions of disciples when the time for the great uprising finally comes. The world’s a big place, and when we go to seize the means of production and the apparatus of the state we’ll need lots of people on the ground doing the dirty work. That’s why I need you.
If that isn’t a compelling enough reason, here are some more:
- I would so hate to see something bad happen to you. Have you checked the brakes on your car lately?
- Everyone who follows me will get a free 12 month subscription to Ian Wishart’s new magazine “Investigate For Pets”.
- You will have access to all of my words of wisdom on Twitter. Even my back catalogue of tweets. And I’m offering this for free! I know, I’m going CRAAAAZY!
- You have no friends and no career prospects. You’re at the bottom of the heap. What really have you got to lose? You’ve nothing left.
- Jesus wants you to. He talks to me.
- I will also offer occasional legal advice to my followers, for free! Here’s a teaser so you get the idea of what I am offering: “People, don’t commit murder, because it’s a criminal offence.” If you want advice from any other lawyer they’ll charge you a bucket-load.
If you’re not convinced by those reasons then you never will be. In that case you are dead to me.