Right Thinking: Time To Nuke Global Warming

Hard-hitting conservative columnist Dr. Frank Shizenhausen takes aim at the climate change industry

I for one don’t believe a word of this global warming hoax. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over the eyes of this old campaigner. The proposition that the Earth is gradually warming is ludicrous and can be easily disproven. The only people who have provided evidence that any of this warming is going on are the scientists. Now why is that? Could it be because they’re all thick as thieves in their plan to steal our society away from those who have traditionally led it? If scientists are now the new prophets, what place will there be for religious leaders and talkback hosts? I don’t know about you, but when my man Leighton Smith makes a pronouncement on a topic I generally regard it as infallible as a papal decree. He’s that good.

I’m sick of being told what to do by those sandal-wearing environmentalists and tree-huggers. They tell us we need to cut our carbon emissions in order to prevent the Earth from heating up. Then they say we can’t burn all these fossil fuels. Next they’ll be telling me I can’t dump my household waste in the bushes of the local council reserve, and that I need a permit if I want to set fire to my neighbour’s house or the local daycare centre.

It’s no wonder that whenever you find a greenie scurrying around you find socialists too. They’re allies in an unholy battle against freedom and liberty. If they get their way we’ll all be wearing hemp clothes, singing folk songs, living off welfare, and forgetting about soap.

But the global warming industry doesn’t appear about to disappear any time soon. It seems as if it is here to stay. We can get all worked up about this, or we can use this reality to our advantage.

I prefer the latter course. I’m essentially an optimist, even if I do come across sometimes as despising anyone who isn’t white, male and heterosexual. My wife berates me sometimes for being so down on people, and she may have a point. Tomorrow when I let her out of her cage I may even tell her she’s right. But in my optimism I see an opportunity to get one back. Because we are now being told by the same scientists who sold us global warming, that the solution to global warming is a nuclear winter.

The boffins at NASA have worked out that a nuclear war involving 100 Hiroshima-level nuclear bombs would kick up about five million metric tonnes of carbon into the upper atmosphere. The effect would be a cooling of the Earth by one to two degrees in most places for several years.

It sounds like a pretty good idea to me, even if global warming is a hoax. If they can convince us that we need to avoid activities that increase the Earth’s temperature, it shouldn’t be so hard to convince world governments to drop a few nuclear bombs. And, God knows, there are a few places that desperately deserve a bomb or two being dropped on them. Like Hamilton.

I suppose the decent thing to do would be to alert the people of these places before we nuke them, so that they can make appropriate preparations. I think I read somewhere that if you survive the initial blast the effects of nuclear radiation can be quite unpleasant. I expect that hiding under a table or doorway and applying a good SF30+ sunscreen before the bomb lands ought to provide sufficient of protection.

A nuclear war would sort the Middle East out once and for all, and God knows it’s so hot over there they would probably welcome a nuclear winter. And once this global warming nonsense has gone by the wayside the Arabs will be able to sell even more of that carbon-emitting oil.

There are no downsides to this nuclear plan. None that I can see, at least. But I’ll wager my entire fortune built over many years on tobacco stocks and blood diamonds that they won’t try it. If there was no global warming, only cooling, what would the environmentalists have to bleat about then? If there was no threat to humanity then the scientists would have to go without the millions of dollars of public money currently being chucked at them. Without such cash how would they research all their other nefarious research projects, like evolutionary science and round-earthism?

Nuking much of the world is a good, sensible idea, which is why they will never let it happen.