Labour leader Phil Goff today stunned the political world when it was revealed that he has an identical twin brother.
Goff’s twin brother, Norman, appeared at the side of the Labour leader during an event marking the opening of the new toilet block at Rangitoto College in Auckland today.
Norman Goff’s appearance caused intense confusion at the event, when he walked on stage while his brother was giving a speech.
For many watching it was almost impossible to spot the difference between the two. The brothers wore similar suits and ties and had similar haircuts.
The only notable difference was the colour of Norman Goff’s hair. It was brown.
The brothers spoke together to the media after the event, and the Labour leader admitted he had been using his brother to help manage some of his commitments.
“Look, I have to be honest,” said the Labour leader. “Norman’s been a stand-in for me on more than one occasion.
“We obviously got our wires crossed today and turned up to the same event,” said his brother. “I guess the secret’s out now.
“It’s caused a few laughs along the way. Like that time when Phil said he’d not rule out working with Hone Harawira, then I said I wouldn’t work with him, then Phil said he would, then I said…”
Norman then turned to his brother. “Actually, what is Labour’s current position on that?”
“Fuck knows,” said the Labour leader to his brother. “My advisers tell me to never say anything without talking to them first. It’s a pity you have to keep opening your fat mouth.”
The Labour leader admitted that the confusion caused by having two brothers doing the same job was one of the downsides.
“We’re all over the place on policy, thanks to my dickhead brother,” said Phil Goff.
“I’ve told Norman again and again to just smile and wave, like the other guy does. But he just can’t help himself. He starts yapping and before we know it I’m trying to dig myself out of a huge hole.”
The Labour leader then put his head in his hands. “Christ, sometimes I wish he’d just shut up.”
But his brother Norman has a different perspective.
“Phil’s so wooden and lacking any kind of spark. I’m just trying to liven things up.
“Frankly Phil can have the fucking job. I’ve had nothing but grief since I chose to help him. Even small children taunt me.
“Maybe, Phil, if you weren’t such a jerk people might like you.”
“That’s rich coming from you,” replied the Labour leader. “You were still wearing a nappy at the age of twelve. The only reason I decided to help you was because Mum made me promise at an early age to always make sure you kept out of trouble. Nobody else would employ you.”
Phil Goff said that he was not sorry about deceiving the public into thinking his brother was him.
“It’s like they say: deception is everything.”
“That’s ‘perception’, Phil, ‘perception'”, said Norman Goff. “Jesus Christ, it’s no wonder Labour’s got no show this year. Maybe I should take over the top job.”
“Sure,” sneered the Labour leader. “And tell the media once again how badly John Key handled the Richard Worth saga? I’m still apologising for your gaffe.”
“You’re yesterday’s man, Phil.”
“I ought to smack you in the mouth.”
“Don’t you need to get your media advisers’ permission first?”
“I forgot about that. Damn it!”