Right Thinking: Bully Attack!

Conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen exposes the weakness of every bully

There’s been a lot of talk in the media lately about bullying and the best way to tackle the problem.

I’ve always found that if there’s one thing bullies don’t like it’s someone who fights back. That’s why I make it a policy to commit acts of violence against anyone who has the potential to one day threaten me.

And I’ve always said the best form of defence is a pre-emptive strike, which is why whenever I see an old lady walking down the street I’ll snatch her walking cane from her hands and beat her over the head with it. Just in case.

Now you may take the view that attacking a group of Girl Guides with a bat is a little over the top, but there’s nothing I hate more than the sight of those round succulent biscuits. They fill my body with urges that a man of my age and maturity really shouldn’t have to put up with. And those girls just know I get upset at the sight of a naked biscuit. The temptresses seem to appear whenever I’m in a shopping mall. It can’t be a coincidence.

But they never expect it when I get the cricket bat out and smash down their desk and scatter their money tins and biscuit boxes.

I am also intimidated by some of the more obnoxious forms of radio and TV advertising. For a long time I would cringe and close my ears at the sound of a Harvey Norman TV advert. If an annoying man screaming at you at a million miles an hour isn’t bullying then I’m a leftie.

But I decided to fight back. I haven’t been able to shut the ads down, but I did manage to bite one of their salesmen in the face last week. And I reckon I’d have had his ear if it hadn’t been for his interfering wife coming out to see what all the noise was outside their front porch. It was a near thing, I can tell you, and I only just got away, because it took an eternity to find my trousers.

Another type of bully I can’t abide is the one who berates me and tells me I’m a bad person. I’ve no time for emotional bullies. You probably know the sort. They are usually male or female, have hair, breathe, and lose the plot when you try to pin them down and tie them up.

Then there’s the distant, untouchable bully who uses his or her position of authority to attack others. Like the High Court judge on Monday. Yelling at me and telling me I’m the most evil and cowardly monster who’s ever set foot in his courtroom. Isn’t that just textbook bullying? It’s not even true and he knows it. What about the fact I was performing a public service? What was I meant to do? Leave that Greenpeace guy on the street corner to sign up even more members to his evil organisation? And I certainly don’t need anyone’s widow scowling at me in the courtroom.

It’s a good thing they decided to put me in this place in the end, because it’s quite pleasant. But the nurse is really starting to piss me off. Apparently it’s “house rules” to wear underwear. And pants. And to not lick other patients. Socialist scum!