Uncle Ernie: A Carrier Fleet

The politicians talk an awful lot about what we need to do to transform our economy. Most of it’s the same old claptrap that we’ve all heard before. They say we should invest in new technologies, or engage in the latest new-fangled business practices. I still remember the days when people said that the computer would be the next big thing. But that was just a fad, just like the Beatles and Islam were.

The trouble we have is that our businesses have to export all of our goods and services to make a decent living. It’s hard work, and it’s dangerous. Dangerous because our business folk risk being infected with all sorts of strange foreign ideas when they travel. We do a lot of business with China nowadays, but I know exactly what Chinamen are capable of. I’ve still got the battle scars to prove it.

But we have to give our businesses a fair crack, and so we have to grow our domestic economy. Let’s take a leaf from the Romans’ book. Imperial expansion will bring us wealth, land and slaves.

But we’ll need to beef up our military if we’re going to have a chance. I’d like to see a lot more of our young chaps in uniform, because there’s nothing more rousing than seeing a parade of fit well-dressed young fellows in smart pants and crisply pressed shirts. I can feel my loins stirring just thinking about it. And at my age it takes an awful lot to stir them.

But getting more young men into uniform won’t be enough: we’ll need more equipment too. How fortunate, then, that the British are selling their aircraft carrier HMS Ark Royal. If she’s got a current warrant of fitness and isn’t too shabby under the hood I say let’s buy her.

With an aircraft carrier as part of our naval arsenal we can finally begin expanding our realm. Best of all, we won’t have to take any more rubbish from likes of that Fijian chap whose name I can’t recall but has something to do with bananas.

And I’ve had enough of those insufferable Cook Islanders bragging about their tropical paradise. Let’s have a crack at the buggers and shut them up for good. I hate being reminded how cold we have it here.

But the real villains are the Chinese. They destroyed our manufacturing industry, and now they’re starting to win at sports they have no business playing. Before we know it they’ll be marrying our women and forcing us to speak Chinese in our own country. Our own country!

We’ll need more than one aircraft carrier if we’re going to take the Chinese head-on, but the Ark Royal would be a good start. Ultimately, what we really could do with are a few nuclear warheads. Nuclear material is normally hard to come by, but the Japanese are virtually giving the stuff away at the moment. They’re so keen on letting it go that they’re pumping loads of nuclear material into the air and water. Why don’t we ship some of it here in boxes?

It worries me, of course, that we could end up starting World War Three if we don’t plan our attack properly. I just dread to think of the death, sickness and starvation that could come with a nuclear holocaust. Can you imagine all the moaning? “We’re sick”, “my legs have burned away”, “I have radiation poisoning”, “help me”, etc etc. They’ll all be down at the Work and Income office demanding government assistance and grumbling about their lot.

Talking of which, I had to go into Work and Income last week when they buggered up my Super payment. They make you take a number and then you wait to see someone. When I do get to talk to someone they’re always rule as hell.

Take last week for example. ““Kia ora” the man says to me.

Hello, I think, here’s Johnny Foreigner talking his mumbo jumbo to me. I have no idea what he just said.

Thankfully I’m fluent in Foreign, thanks to my time serving in Korea.

“I speaky speaky real slow so you understand, yes?” I say to the fellow. I can’t work out what race he is. Maybe he’s Russian or East European.

“Why my bloody pension not got in banky-wanky last night?” I ask Ivan.

The chap looked at me without a shred of comprehension and said “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand a thing you just said.”

So I walked out. I’m not going to waste my time trying to engage with people who won’t even have the decency to learn the language. It’s like I woke up one morning and found myself living in another country.

All the more reason to buy that aircraft carrier. When it turns up on Ivan’s doorstep his country will become my country.

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