Uncle Ernie’s 20 questions

Uncle Ernie comes out of retirement to ask a few pointed questions about modern life

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Disgusting!

Uncle Ernie comes out of retirement to bemoan the state of the world I’m appalled and disgusted to hear that a book filled with smut has won a children’s literature award. Disgusted! What has this world come to? What is wrong with young people that they would want to read such garbage? When I was…

Uncle Ernie: They’ll Never Get My Water

I’ve never liked water, and I don’t trust what they put in it. I’ve always been opposed to the fluoridation of water, because nobody knows for sure what harm it is doing to us, apart from the scientists. The scientists claim it’s harmless, but I never trust anyone who says they have all the answers, unless he’s…

Uncle Ernie: Our Brave Boys In Blue

Now the Urewera trouble is over, it’s time we all said a big thank you to our constabulary for keeping us safe from the terrifying prospect of people playing with guns in an irresponsible manner who aren’t all white. I heard the police wanted to charge the lot of them with being terrorists, so the…

Uncle Ernie: Let The Devils Try!

Aha! Just as I thought! That Jenny Shipley woman was on the telly on Sunday morning saying that the Chinese don’t want our land. No, she said, they want our protein. Well I’m not giving up mine without a fight. I don’t know what sort of awful surgical instruments they’ll use on us when it…

Uncle Ernie: Liberating Constantinople

In my younger carefree days I was known to eat the odd felafel, especially late at night after a few jugs of beer. But I’d usually wake up the next morning feeling dreadful and with a splitting headache. My body was obviously telling me something. The food I was eating, Turkish food, was poisoning me.…

Uncle Ernie: A Carrier Fleet

The politicians talk an awful lot about what we need to do to transform our economy. Most of it’s the same old claptrap that we’ve all heard before. They say we should invest in new technologies, or engage in the latest new-fangled business practices. I still remember the days when people said that the computer would…

Uncle Ernie: An Honest Young Lad

I’ve always admired the British royal family. Next to the Tiger Tank, they’re probably the finest thing to come out of Germany. I especially like that young Prince fellow they’ve sent over here. The Prince is down to earth and humble. He stood before the people of Christchurch and said “I count myself extremely privileged”.…

Police State? I Wish!

My grandson rang me the other day. He said he would be in Auckland the following week, so why don’t we catch up for coffee? The trouble was he wanted to meet in the middle of bloody town. He’s up for some flash conference or something, and they’ve put him in a fancy hotel. I’ve…