In my younger carefree days I was known to eat the odd felafel, especially late at night after a few jugs of beer. But I’d usually wake up the next morning feeling dreadful and with a splitting headache.

My body was obviously telling me something. The food I was eating, Turkish food, was poisoning me.

I’ve not gone near the stuff for years and my health’s been better for it. I’m getting on in years and have the usual ailments that come with age, like chronic arthritis, sciatica, heart disease, gout, scabies, malaria, constipation, diarrhoea, flatulence, hepatitis and severe psychosis, but otherwise I’ve never felt better.

It all comes down to not putting poison into my body. That’s why I only ever eat Christian foods.

But the Turks aren’t content with merely poisoning our bodies. They’re out to wreck our entire country. New Zealand’s been after a seat on the UN Security Council, and we had been expecting Turkey’s support. Now, surprise surprise, the buggers have decided they’ll go for the seat themselves.  It’s just what you’d expect from a country that is so shifty and untrustworthy that they’ll tell you they’re both European and Asian. How can you be both?

I’ve had enough of these insufferable Turks. Their provocations never seem to end.

Anyone who reads my column knows I’ve been a fearless critic of the UN over the years. The organisation has failed to intercede on numerous occasions when called upon to prevent catastrophe, and has sometimes backed the wrong horse. Where was their condemnation when Palestinian child terrorist forced the Israeli army to bomb a Gaza school? Why is the UN suddenly against good Mr Gaddafi, when he was supposed to be on our side? I thought he was Tony Blair’s friend.

And why did the UN do nothing to prevent the rise of pop music?

Naturally, the very idea of sitting around a table trying to talk meaningfully to Johnny Foreigner is as laughable as it sounds. But despite having to put up with meetings in all sorts of languages, and with people who clearly have quite different ideas about personal hygiene, our diplomats think there’s real prestige in being a member of the Security Council. And they may be right.

So it seems the Security Council seat is important to our nation. But how can we press our demands for a permanent place on the Security Council with full veto rights if we can’t even get elected to the thing? How can we hold ourselves out as a great world power lording it over our terrified Pacific Island neighbours when other countries snub us with such impunity?

Still, we can’t be surprised by this move, and I’ve always been deeply wary of the Turks. We went to war with them in 1915 and, in my view, it was a terrible blunder making peace with them in the end. We had the buggers on the run by 1918, and they never did apologise for not allowing us to kill more of them during the Gallipoli campaign. We could have taken back Constantinople, but instead we gave up too soon. I’m confident that the Gallipoli campaign would have been a success had we just stayed the course and been prepared to put up with a few more ANZAC casualties – no more than 100,000 I’d guess.

And do I even have to mention what they did in 1453?

So it’s time we took action. Firm action.

For starters let’s demand that they give up all of their European domains. They ought to cede at least some of that territory to New Zealand, as compensation for all the bother and misery they caused us in 1915. Many of our brave boys are buried there still, so it will be good to have them resting on Kiwi soil. The Australians will feel the same way too.

If they won’t have the decency to do that, then I say we have a crack at them. If it’s war they want then it’s war they’ll get. We made a lot of mistakes the last time we tried to invade Turkey, but I’m sure we learned a few good lessons and won’t repeat those mistakes, and I’m certain the Australians will join us. The Australians don’t like to lose at anything to anyone.

When we’ve liberated Constantinople for Christ, pulled down all their mosques and converted all their people to the true faith, maybe then they’ll come to their senses. Provided they start eating proper food. If they will insist upon wrapping everything they eat in bread then the least they can do is learn to make sandwiches.

Next week’s column: Other countries we should invade