In a shock announcement, radio and TV host and blogger Martyn “Bomber” Bradbury has announced he has run out of opinions.
Bradbury is well known for expressing strong opinions on just about every topic. Bradbury regularly uses his radio and TV appearances to castigate right-wing politicians, and to push his strongly leftist views on multiple issues.
But on Friday morning Bradbury was rushed to hospital after experiencing a sudden opinion failure.
Speaking from his hospital bed, Bradbury explained what had happened.
“I was in the midst of typing a scathing blogpost eviscerating John Key’s evil National government for the steaming pile of dog-turd it has become, and explaining why we needed a Mana Party world government, when suddenly my hands dropped from the keyboard and I felt an overwhelming sense of numbness.
“I knew something was wrong, because I felt this sudden release, as if all the seething righteous indignation was being voided from my body. That’s when I called 111.”
There is little doubt that the experience has changed Bradbury immeasurably. When shown a photograph of the Prime Minister, Bradbury said “he’s got a nice smile.”
And when asked what he thought about the Business Roundtable, Bradbury visibly shrugged, saying “I’m sure they’re a decent bunch of blokes.”
Doctors say there is no cure, and treatment options are limited. Bradbury’s condition, known as Opinion Deficit Syndrome, is seldom fatal but is difficult to treat.
But sufferers of the disease can be managed back into the community, and can lead fulfilling lives.
Dr Sinead Erbeck of Auckland University Medical School said that the most effective treatment for Opinion Deficit Syndrome was an opinion transplant.
“The medical literature shows that the most effective course of treatment is for the patient to be encouraged to take the opinions of others and adopt them as if they are their own,” said Dr Erbeck.
“The risk of opinion rejection can be extremely high in the early days of the operation. However, given time patients can look forward to a full recovery and a rewarding new career as a politician, PR consultant or lawyer.”
Bradbury said he had not thought much about a career outside opinion-based broadcasting.
“I never thought I’d feel this creeping sense of numbness, of nothingness. It’s like someone has taken my soul.
“Public relations, you say?”