Right Thinking: Call That Sexism? I’ll Show You Sexism

Conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen with another blistering takedown of political correctness.

I don’t know what all the fuss is about. I thought Alasdair Thompson had some good things to say about the modern workplace, but he’s been disgracefully bullied and harassed.

The poor man’s even been accused of intimidating and standing over a woman reporter. What nonsense. I’ve seen the interview footage and it’s obvious what Thompson is doing. He is behaving with gentlemanly and chivalrous intent, attempting to cover one side of the female woman reporter from public view, so that those men who might be looking on from that particular direction are not distracted from their work by thinking impure thoughts and regarding her as a piece of meat to be devoured.

But covering her from only one side was of no use when the camera was pointing from the other direction. What the reporter should have done was lay on her back, so that Mr Thompson could lie on top of her and so shield her completely from the intrusive camera. He may have got it wrong, but his heart was in the right place.

The whole episode demonstrates why women can’t expect equality at work. The presence of women leads to a loss of productivity in the men around them.

Now I should make it very clear that I have a lot of respect for women, and that I do not mean to suggest that they are in any way inferior to men. But they are different, and we should not pretend otherwise. I know for a fact that women take more sick-days than men, and not just because of that unseemly monthly business that I dare not speak of. I know this because I employ a number of women. I should clarify that I use the word “employ” loosely, and not in the “pays money in return for services” sense. I offer something much more valuable to the women I employ than mere cash. What I offer is freedom. Freedom for a few minutes each day from the steel cage I keep them in under my house. What use is money to those girls?

I find that my women employees are constantly sick. Malnutrition, dysentery, scurvy and other diseases are rife amongst my employees, even though I feel as fit as a fiddle. The fact that they’re all female and I’m a male can’t be a coincidence.

Not only are women always sickly, but they drive the menfolk to distraction, and this affects workplace productivity. I speak from experience as an office manager. I spend upwards of an hour each day locked in my office with the blinds down and a box of tissues at hand, all because one of the female office administrators likes to occasionally show an ankle. This is time that could be better spent on more useful tasks, such as discussing the Super 15 with my male colleagues or plotting my election-day bombing spree. But I just can’t focus on my work with all that flesh about. I’m not to blame for reacting in an entirely natural way to such environmental stimuli.

But it’s not just women causing problems in the office. I mean this in a totally non-racist way, but we have a serious problem with Jews and Muslims in the workplace. Not only because their religious holidays fall at inconvenient times, but also because I find myself shouting torrents of bilious abuse whenever I see one of them. This is again affecting staff productivity. Usually when I begin to scream abuse at their deviant ways, their evil murderous religions and their smelly foods my immediate vicinity clears out and before I know it the HR people and employment lawyers are descending from every direction. Meanwhile nothing in the office gets done, because everyone’s watching the theatre unfold as I’m led away in handcuffs by a policeman. None of this would have happened if we’d just employed white protestant men.

One thing I’ll say for the Muslims though is that they know how to dress a woman so she doesn’t cause bother in the office.

So it’s obvious that Mr Thompson is the victim of a witch-hunt. I enjoy hunting down witches as much as the next man, and the sound of them crackling on the bonfire is like a symphony to me, but this has got out of hand. We shouldn’t be vilifying a good man who spoke truth and who just tried to do the right thing. He doesn’t need to apologise for anything, and it should be us, society, apologising to him.

Now you’ll have to excuse me, because I’ve got important work to do and have got to get this office supplies order form away tonight. It looks like we’re run out of tissue boxes again.