Hard-hitting conservative columnist Dr Frank Shizenhausen returns after a lengthy break

I cannot believe nobody has spotted the opportunity.

The Herald has been running a campaign focusing on poor and needy children with not enough to eat. The fact that people are going hungry is an inconvenient blot on our nation’s reputation, and with the World Cup at hand we need to take urgent action to deal with this problem. We wouldn’t want any of those gin-soaked IRB delegates thinking we were anything other than a pavlova paradise, now, would we?

Enter the solution. Whangarei’s Zion Wildlife Gardens is in danger of being shut down permanently. One of the problems facing the park is the difficulty in housing and feeding the wild cats. An adult lion when in a hungry mood can get through a power of red meat.

My proposal to combine wildlife parks with foodbanks will bring much-needed competition to the welfare industry. Some pantywaist do-gooders may struggle with the kill-or-be-killed ethos behind the concept, but if people really are desperate enough for food they’ll find a way to disable the lions. Of course, we won’t make it too easy for them, because the park needs to be self-funded, and the millions of TV viewers who will pay to watch the reality show we make about the park will want to see an even fight. So it will be sticks and spears versus teeth and claws, and may the hungriest animal win.

I hope you like the idea, because everyone else I’ve mentioned it to raves about it. I bailed up a young fellow on the bus this morning and told him my plan, and he told me it was “quite simply the most appalling, murderous and indescribably callous thing I’ve ever heard”. I was put off at first, but then I remembered a magazine article I’d read somewhere about how young people often use words in an unconventional manner. So, for example, calling something or someone “bad” often means they think the thing or person is good or sexually attractive.

Thus it’s pretty clear that “murderous” and “callous” will be the words hip young folk use to describe acts of humanitarianism. It makes me feel good knowing my ideas are ready to be embraced by the younger generation with such enthusiasm.

So if the idea of feeding young people to the lions has the approval of the victims, what exactly is the holdup?