Report Identifies Auckland Transport Chaos Culprit

A report released this morning into the Auckland transport chaos of Friday night has laid the blame on one man.

The report was commissioned urgently, in an effort to find out who was responsible for the delays and stoppages that led to more than 2000 people failing to getting to Eden Park on time.

The report is the result of work jointly undertaken by the Government, train operator Veolia, and the Auckland Council to uncover the reason for the chaos.

The person blamed in the report is an unemployed bricklayer from Papakura named Maurice Lawson.

Mr Lawson’s failure to predict the heavy demand on Auckland’s train services is cited as the main reason for the trouble.

“Had Mr Lawson got himself an education, and then worked his way into a position of authority within one of the major groups responsible for organising transportation, and had he then written a report outlining in detail that demand for Auckland’s trains would be overwhelming on the day of the opening ceremony, then much of the ensuing chaos might have been averted,” the report states.

“Instead Mr Lawson has spent most of the last year sitting at home on his couch, drinking himself towards an early grave.”

Officials from Auckland Council said they were pleased with the report, because the report made it clear that nobody in a position of any actual responsibility on the day was or ever would be to blame for anything that ever went wrong.

They said that Mr Lawson had been identified after exhaustive internal enquiries involving opening a phonebook at a random page and pointing to a name.

Prime Minister John Key confirmed that the Government regarded the matter as being at an end.

“We are confident this won’t happen again,” said Mr Key.

“I have asked for and been given assurances by Auckland Transport that they won’t be employing Mr Lawson in any capacity.”