What Next For The McCullinator?

Murray McCully has used special powers to take control of the Auckland waterfront.

Thanks to this intervention we can now be certain that nothing will go wrong for the rest of the Cup and that the trains will always run on time.

Now that Murray’s cracked that problem, what’s next for the McCullinator? Here are some other candidates for special McCully powers:

Death Star security

It’s clear that gate control is lacking and that there just isn’t enough security at the doors. This has been a major issue on at least two occasions. What we don’t want is an embarrassing repeat, because it makes the entire Empire look bad. Could this be a job for the McCullinator?

All Blacks captaincy

I’m not saying Richie McCaw is a bad player or that he’s not an inspiring leader. But this is bigger than just personalities. We’ve failed to win the Rugby World Cup in 1991, 1995, 1999, 2003 and 2007, so it would be unwise to leave this matter entirely in the hands of the Rugby Union and its players. That’s why McCully should take control of the team.

Christchurch rebuild

I’m sure Mr Brownlee’s doing a good job and all, but when it comers to using emergency powers in a totally high-handed way he’s a rank amateur. Step aside, Gerry.

Arts ministry

It has long been known that McCully is in league with the forces of darkness. So once he works out how to combine his mastery of the diabolic arts with his other special powers, we will have on our hands one nasty supervillain, and life will become very unpleasant for all of us.

But that’s bad, right? No, not at all. In times of misery, adversity is the food of starving artists. Some of the world’s greatest works of art and literature have been born out of squalor, tragedy and poverty.

Imagine if the next Shakespeare was a New Zealander.

So let’s give Murray a ministry he could really get his teeth into.

SAS Command

The method in which the McCullinator ruthlessly attacked Len Brown, leaving him gasping with a knife in his back and wondering what happened, indicates that our Rugby World Cup Minister could, with just a little more training, become a ruthless and brutal killing machine. Add to that his leadership capabilities and he’s a natural to be heading our SAS mission in Kabul.

I expect he would sort the Taleban out in the space of a fortnight.