Only Villains Need Fear This Law

Constable Plank has a message for critics of the Video Camera Surveillance (Temporary Measures) Bill

It has been brought to my attention that there is chatter in various circles about the bill before Parliament to formalise longstanding police procedures pertaining to the apprehension of certain villainous types.

In respect of this matter, allow me to take the opportunity to reassure the public that you have nothing to fear.

Your constabulary are tireless guardians of public order and decency, and there are no tougher critics of police impropriety than our very own selves.

A number of legal types have questioned why the police need special powers to covertly monitor the activities of private citizens. I must say that the lads had a jolly good laugh at the suggestion that the rule of law itself was being threatened by the proposal to apply the surveillance legislation retrospectively.

The very suggestion that giving us the tools to do the job could somehow threaten the democratic fabric of our realm is a grave insult to the dedication and courage of our boys.

But more importantly, it puts these critics in the camp of the criminals.

The persons we covertly monitor are not your garden-type offender. We are not concerned about run-of-the-mill ratbags. These persons are ruthless villains who will stop at nothing to destroy the orderly and peaceful society so many of you take for granted. That society only exists because the police remain a bulwark against a rising tide of scum and villainy.

Perhaps you do not realise how bad things are. You sit there in your fine house, while your servants bring you your tea, and you think all is well in the world. You relax in your club reading the newspaper and smoking your cigars, and discussing the troubles in Bechuanaland with your fellows, and you say to yourself “by God, we are lucky not to be one of those black devils”, little suspecting that horrors are lurking much closer to home.

If we do not have the full support of the public to do whatever it takes in order to apprehend these villains, there is no doubt that people will die. They may even be people you know. They could be your servants, or even your children. Do you want your children to die?

To those of you who would question our claim that people will die if the law is not passed, let me assure you that your concerns are without foundation. You may trust the judgement of your friendly copper in this matter. If lives can be saved by giving your trusty policeman additional powers to watch you and your wife in bed attending to marital relations, then what further assurances do you require?

This law will save lives. And why can I be so confident? Because in the entire history of human civilisation I am sure you would not find one instance where giving the police powers to covertly monitor the citizens has led to more deaths.

Now let us send the gentlemen in Parliament a solid message of support for this sensible measure in the war against those damned villains.