Everybody’s favourite authoritarian libertarian returns with a blistering new column

As a powerful media figure and celebrated columnist, I know something about making a persuasive argument.

My opinions inspire terror in my opponents, so naturally they take every opportunity they can to shut me down. That’s why you won’t find any of my columns in the liberal mainstream media, and why you’ll have to go hunting through the internet to find my work.

But it’s there if you know where to look, and the fact that the liberals work so hard to silence me speaks volumes about the threat I pose.

The MSM’s deceit and contempt for democracy knows no bounds; so instead of reporting on the horrors of compulsory education and public transport, they bombard us with trivia and gossip. It’s their way of keeping the populace docile and compliant.

The liberals and their media buddies will do anything they can to shut us down, as I have recently learned to my great cost. They even tried to silence me, framing me for a crime I didn’t commit (again!) so that I could be shut away forever.

They didn’t count on my putting up a fight, though. Nor did they count on the star witness for the prosecution accidentally stabbing himself thirty-two times in the head. Without the evidence of the clergyman the police case against me collapsed and they had to let me go.

It was another lucky escape for me. I’ve spent a lot of time in prison cells and court rooms being accused of knife crimes I didn’t commit, but when you’re a warrior for freedom like I am it’s just another battle in a larger war.

It’s a war we must win. And we will win. If we make our voices heard the sheeple who blindly follow the lies and distortions of the MSM will eventually wake up and taste the sweet air of freedom.

We can all do our bit to win the war. That’s why I am going to share with you some of the most powerful written advocacy techniques known to man. It doesn’t matter whether you’re writing a letter to a newspaper editor or politician, composing a blogpost, or writing a submission to the Parole Board on why you should be released early despite the slaughter you inflicted in that shopping centre.

If you adopt as many of these techniques as you can you will find people looking at you and your ideas in a whole new light.

Write or type?

Modern computer technology makes it a breeze to create and edit documents. But chances are the people you’re trying to influence probably see hundred if not thousands of typed documents every day. If you’re writing letters or submissions your work will stand out if it’s been handwritten. And not in any old ink, but in blood. They’ll know you’re serious if they see that blood has been spilled over the opinion you’re expressing.

A tricky question I’m often asked is “whose blood?” If you use your own you’ll just come across as some nutty self-mutilator, so make sure you attach to your written work a photograph of the donor. It could a good opportunity to deal with any nuisance neighbourhood cats, or nuisance neighbours. Besides, if you’re planning to write that eighty-page missive to the Dominion Post on water fluoridation you’re going to need a lot of blood, and it’s pretty hard to write anything when you’re faint from massive blood loss.

This may sound slightly unpleasant to those of you who are squeamish, but you do get used to it. It’s also well worth doing. For example, law students who write their exam answers in blood routinely get higher marks than those who use standard ink. Professor “G” (name withheld) of the Otago Law School has confirmed this to me in person.

Make them work

If a newspaper editor can quickly read your opinion then they can just as quickly dismiss it. Make sure anyone picking up your work has to labour for hours to make sense of it. They may struggle initially to understand what you have written, but while they are doing this they will have no choice but to contemplate the message you’re sending.

That means lots of scribbles, barely legible handwriting and inappropriate! Punctuation%

Shout

Some people claim it’s the height of rudeness to communicate in capital letters. They say that turning on caps lock on your keyboard will make people think you’re shouting.

So shout!

We’re not here to make friends. We just want to be heard.

Don’t listen to their so-called etiquette. There’s a word that describes doing only what you are told to do and only following the officially-sanctioned method. It’s called Communism. If you study all the great wordsmiths of our history you will find that most of them were Marxists. Shakespeare, for example, was a notorious member of the Chinese Communist Party, although you won’t find that little fact in any of your liberal-elite history books.

That’s why you must not listen to them when they tell you how your should write. Of course they would say that!

Caps lock is there on your keyboard for a reason, SO USE IT!. If you’re not prepared to raise your voice in defence of our precious freedoms, then DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN THEY COME KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT TO TAKE YOU OFF TO THEIR “RE-EDUCATION CENTRES”! I’M SURE YOU’LL LEARN ALL ABOUT THEIR “ETIQUETTE” THEN! 

Random capitalisation

Sometimes just shouting won’t do the trick, and this is when you need to be more sophisticated with your message. There’s nothing more powerful that an opinion Piece where some of the Word beginnings are randomly Capitalised. it Might be an Affront to those english language Purists, but they are Nothing but Totalitarians with all their Rules and conventions. A Man who will stand up and Defy the totalitarians is a Man of Courage and Integrity, and Your writing WILL CONVEY THIS!! 

Remember who the audience are

Very often the person you’re writing to isn’t really the intended audience. If they’re a newspaper editor they’re merely a gatekeeper. Ignore their rules about being succinct and to the point, because they aren’t the ones you want to persuade. To a liberal-elite MSM editor your writings may appear like the incontinent ramblings of a madman, but sometimes it can take fifty pages of dense handwritten text with zero punctuation and numerous biblical references to get an important message across.

 Pictures

We all know that most newspaper editors, academics and leftist politicians struggle to contain the multitude of vices swirling about in their morally-diseased bodies. Plenty don’t even bother to make the effort. It’s no wonder that morality, discipline and decency are in such decline.

But we can use this to our advantage. The most important thing when you’re writing something to influence someone is to make an impact. People are so bombarded daily with material that if what you have written doesn’t stand out in some way they may not even bother to read it.

So make it stand out. A photograph of a woman baring her all to the camera will get the attention of most newspaper editors, so attach one to your letter. But if the people you are writing to are academics (especially legal ones) you’ll need to come up with something much much grubbier than just a picture of female flesh. I expect the prospect of having to procure pictures of people undertaking all kinds of appalling behaviour in various states of undress will dismay you, but the price of freedom is a high one.

The good news is that the tools for the job are close at hand. You’ll be amazed at the world that opens up when you go looking for this kind of material online, and I have become an expert in online research, sometimes spending up to ten hours a day online finding material I can use. It’s exhausting work, and by the end of the day I usually feel drained. But it’s an incredibly uplifting feeling when you find something you can use.

Delivery

So you’ve finished writing your masterpiece, and now the only thing left to do is send it. But how?

The internet is a powerful medium, but those in power receive hundreds of emails every day, and a lot of email is spam that gets junked without even being opened. Don’t send your message via email, because it might just be deleted.

Send it by post. Or, better still, deliver it personally. Find out where the addressee lives and turn up at their house at 3:00am. You can bet they will remember you then.

But some people can be a bit funny about strangers turning up on their doorstep in the middle of the night, and fair enough too, because the world is full of crazy people. So if they won’t open the door don’t stress! Just tie your letter to a brick and throw it through their front window.

See, now you’re getting their attention!