Key’s Secret Super Plans

Why does John Key appear so confident that we are not facing a future superannuation crisis?

Young people are fleeing the country in such numbers that soon there will be mostly just the elderly left, with their only companions being the finance company directors to fleece them of their life savings.

And who will look after them? In time most aged care workers will have departed the industry in search of wages that are less demeaning.

It seems unlikely that the government would allow a cull of the elderly, due to the usual complaints from liberal hand-wringers.

So where are the solutions to the problems caused by an ageing population? John Key refuses to consider looking at the retirement age, a decision that seems as stupidly short-sighted as it is politically cynical.

However, it pays to remember that John Key knows more than we do about what the future holds, thanks to his time in the finance world, shifting money about the globe and doing deals. If there’s one thing Key understands it is how to predict where a market is headed.

It is therefore almost certain that Key has a few aces up his sleeve for the day when the Super bomb drops on us.

What could they be? My picks:

  • There’s a huge oil reserve sitting somewhere out there, and Key knows where it is. He’s keeping quiet about it for the time being because he knows that the mad socialists, if they win the next election, will go nuts and spend it all on frivolous things like education, alleviating poverty, and public transport. 
  • The next two decades will see staggering demand for our nation’s goods and services, leading to huge windfalls to our farmers, who will all spontaneously decide to pay more tax rather than pour most of their earnings into increasing the value of their capital. 
  • A particular virulent influenza strain will arrive, wiping out tens of thousands of elderly folk. There’s no way Key can know this, but a major pandemic is overdue, so it’s a safe bet. If there’s a swine flu futures market you can bet John Key’s got it cornered.
  • Government scientists have worked out a secret formula to pick the winning number in any lottery worldwide. Forget about our own Lotto, which is pocket-money compared with some overseas contests. A jackpot win in the EuroMillions or Mega Millions lottery could probably fund NZ Super for a month.
  • Treasury officials have privately confirmed to the PM that the world will end on 21 December 2012. John Key has accepted the inevitability of our world’s destruction, which is why he remains so relaxed about matters that should be keeping him sleepless.
The alternative to all of the above is that Key just doesn’t want to do anything that might court unpopularity, that he’s happy just being a manager rather than a leader, and that he doesn’t care very much about the burden our young people will face in twenty or thirty years.
Or the world really is going to end on December 21.