Will He Be Allowed To Breathe?

There is growing concern that Mr Beast of Blenheim may be planning to use the air of Whanganui residents.

Mr Beast is due to be released on parole shortly, but fears are growing that he is planning to use the oxygen, local water and other resources in an attempt to live.

It is feared that if Mr Beast is given access to Whanganui’s oxygen he will commence an orgy of vicious and sadistic behaviour against children, animals and motor vehicles.

At a meeting of Whanganui residents last night a number of people spoke of their concerns that Mr Beast might offend against their oxygen supply.

“My childre have to breathe the same air,” said Betty Drank, a part-time snake-cleaner. “I don’t want them to share anything with that pervert. What does he want with our air anyway? It makes me sick just thinking about all that heavy breathing.”

Others at the meeting demanded that Mr Beast locate his own oxygen supply, rather than destroy the lovely air of the lower North Island with his exhalations.

Corrections have not sought to prevent Mr Beast from breathing the air of Whanganui, but he will only be allowed to do so during daylight hours.

Corrections Department officials are also deeply worried that Mr Beast’s depravity is so deeply ingrained that his body frequently turns healthy nutritious foods into disgusting waste fit only for flushing down the toilet.

In the High Court in Wellington today Justice Ron Young threw out Mr Beast’s appeal against a parole condition preventing him from defecating during weekends or on religious holidays.

It is not clear what will be done with Mr Beast’s waste materials. Some experts are concerned that anyone who comes into contact with his waste may contract a disease, such as giardiasis or hepatitis A.

eople in the Whanganui region are being urged as a precaution to lock their doors, not speak to strangers, and stock up on guns and ammunition.

This is not the first time that the residents of Whanganui have been confronted with a terrifying and fear-inducing menace. However, on this occasion it seems unlikely that they will make the person in question their mayor.

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