Panic In Popular Café As Politician Explodes

There was panic in a busy Epsom café today, after the leader of the Conservative Party, Colin Craig, exploded in public.

Retired Epsom woman Prudence Sneedler, who was at the scene, described what occurred.

“I was sitting at the table next to him when it happened.

“I see Colin a lot in my local Epsom café, so I recognised him straight away. I even gave him a little smile, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Normally he sits there with a little pot of tea, staring wistfully out the window, as if he is waiting for someone to show up. He often looks kind of sad, and I’ve been tempted on more than one occasion to take him by the hand and tell him everything will be okay.

“He’s normally such a lovely clean-cut young man, but today he looked totally out of sorts. His hands were shaking, his tie was crooked, and he hadn’t even shaved.

“I wondered for a minute if he had lady troubles, but then I remembered he’d made all his money in property, so I figured he was probably just going through the usual bankruptcy procedure.

“Then his little phone buzzed, he looked down at it and then… oh the horror! the horror!”

Mrs Sneedler fainted while recounting the story, and was only revived with the aid of a cup of tea, and a custard tart.

Emergency services were swiftly on the scene, but they were unable to revive Mr Craig. Witnesses report that Mr Craig’s head began to swell until it was inflated to the size of a beach ball, at which point it exploded, spraying brain matter across the café.

A watercolour painting depicting Florence’s Signoria Square was ruined in the blast, and a number of sandwiches were spoiled.

Police say they do not believe the incident was an act of terrorism or a result of foul play.

Speculation is mounting that Mr Craig had received some bad news just before blowing up.

Last night Parliament voted in favour of sending the Marriage Equality Bill to select committee, and today Jacinda Ardern’s Care of Children Law Reform Bill was drawn from Parliament’s ballot.

Christian and conservative groups are concerned that the latest bill will lead to gay couples being allowed to adopt children.

It is believed that last night’s vote may have left Mr Craig deeply shaken, and that today’s ballot result may have contributed to the violent explosion.

Mrs Sneedler was later admitted to hospital after becoming distressed while viewing an episode of Coronation Street.

“Poor Colin. He was like a younger, more handsome Ken Barlow. Oh the shame of it!” she told reporters from her hospital bed.

“I never forgave Deirdre for what she did to Ken, running off with that no-good Mike Baldwin like that. It’s no wonder Ken sought solace in the arms of another woman.”