Harry Hindenberg: Not The Life For Me

*Mar 16 - 00:05*The latest column from Papakura solicitor Harry Hindenberg

It looks as if it’s been a big news day, but I’ve really struggled to keep track of all the developments, due to my work commitments. Nobody really understands how difficult it is to dispose of a body until they have to do it themselves.

I usually delegate such tasks to my underlings, but my junior resigned on me yesterday, claiming he’d had enough of my unscrupulous dishonest dealings and mob connections, and promising to report me to the Law Society.

It was a shame to lose young Neville’s services, because he was such a diligent worker and had a glittering legal career ahead of him. But one thing I’ve learned over the years is that if someone’s unhappy at work you have to deal with it properly.

It’s done now, and I just need to make sure I’ve got my cover story straight when the cops come looking for him. I’ll tell them I was at the TAB all day making an important investment on behalf of a client.

I try not to let employment problems escalate to this level, because they cost money. I’m not talking about the cost of the lime or the cement, but about the lost productivity. While I was out of the office taking care of business I missed a number of important calls. Clients needed things taken care of, things shifted, and I wasn’t available.

But I was left with little choice, because as an employer I am hamstrung by all this legislation governing how I must treat my staff, like the Employment Relations Act and the Holidays Act. And if anyone can run a modern law practice without breaching multiple sections of the Crimes Act on a daily basis, please, tell me how.

So one has to take the law into one’s own hands sometimes. It’s ridiculous that I should have to go to such lengths to protect my business, but what else can I do?  Sometimes I get fed up with the whole thing and wonder if I should do more than just moan about the situation I’m in. I’ve thought more than once about pursuing a career as a crusading reformist politician.

It may surprise you to learn that, but don’t be so shocked. I have always followed politics. I would probably identify myself as being slightly to the right of centre, and I don’t always agree with what our PM does, although anything would be better than that miserable Labour do-gooder Shearer. I can respect a man like John Key because he made his millions moving money around the globe. I provide a similar service to some of my clients, although I have to be a little more discrete about revealing those I deal with, because people use such pejorative terms to describe my clients. Terms like “drug dealer”, “international criminal cartel”, and “vicious African warlord on the run from the authorities after systematically looting his country of billions of dollars and leaving tens of thousands of innocent people dead”. It’s unfair to smear my clients in that way, because in the case of that last fellow some of the people he had killed weren’t even all that nice.

But every time I begin to imagine having all that political power, I’m brought back to reality with a sudden thud. The one thing I’ve learned through following the messy Kim Dotcom business is that our PM can’t just have anyone he wants bugged, spied upon, or killed. It seems like this PC madness has infected even our executive!

It doesn’t make much sense, because the other thing I’ve learned is that to get things done you need to be flexible. If you go into a situation with a set view on something, such as “that thing is punishable by a period of imprisonment not exceeding fourteen years, so it can’t be done”, then you are already on the back foot. We expect so much of our politicians, and yet we don’t even give them the impunity they need to achieve their goals. It’s no wonder they so often end up disappointing us.

So perhaps the life of a politician is not the life for me, in which case I’ll have to be content with plying my trade as a humble solicitor in suburban Papakura, doing my bit for the local community, helping people with their legal needs, and doing my best to stay one step ahead of the Law Society Inspectorate.