Your Twitter Troubles Are Finally Over!

I know that many of my readers are active on Twitter. But if you’re like me then you probably have trouble finding the time to respond to all those tweets from other people.

Sometimes it’s just hard to find the words to express what you want to say, and the 140 character limit doesn’t help either. It can be difficult to be both clear and succinct.

But I have the solution for you! I am offering my blog followers a range of customised tweets. Each tweet has been lovingly crafted to meet a specific need, whether it is for romance or business, love or war. Now you don’t need to do all that thinking or typing. For a modest licence fee you can have access to an entire catalogue of tweets, and then it’s just a matter of cutting and pasting to your heart’s content.

No more slow typing! No more sweating over whether your message will exceed 140 characters! Just let me do all the work.

I have literally hundreds of tweets ready for use, and all requiring little or no additional typing.

Here’s just a small sample from my catalogue:


We lost
We won
This is the worst refereeing display I have ever seen
[insert name] is having a blinder
[insert name] is having a shocker
Sack the coach!
That was a mile offside!


The latest poll shows National are up
The latest poll shows National are down
OMG, did you see what Trevor just tweeted?
This government has no idea!
The opposition has no idea!
Shut up, you socialist terrorist scum!
That’s exactly what I’d expect from a Tory lowlife
These clowns couldn’t organise a [describe event] in a [describe location]
This is just like Nazi Germany

General discourse and debate

I agree
I disagree
Good point. Yes, it is complicated
Fuck you


You can have full access to my entire tweet database for as little as $49.95 a month. Or if you’re a business my special gold plan will give three users access to my tweets for your business for only $79.95 a month.

Terms and conditions

The minimum subscription term is 36 months. This pricing may be increased at any time without any prior notice to you. The above pricing is only applicable to New Zealand residents. If you are not a New Zealand resident please enquire about my other pricing plans. Your subscription will give you a non-exclusive, non-transferable licence to copy the tweets in my catalogue for your own use on Twitter. You acknowledge that I own all copyright in the tweets in my database, and if you try to copy any of these tweets without my permission I will hunt you down and make you feel so much pain that you will wish for a speedy death. The contents of my tweet database may change from time to time, or the entire database may disappear altogether without warning, but you still have to pay me, and of course I am liable to you for absolutely nothing I do, and if someone comes after me you indemnify me fully against any and all costs, expenses, damages and liabilities that I may incur or suffer as a result. Basically I own you.

So what are you waiting for? Just email me your credit card details, and I’ll do all the rest!