Who Should We Blame For the Black Caps?

David Shearer’s many faults are clear for all to see. He is too soft and nice for politics. His treatment of David Cunliffe also shows him to be far too nasty, arrogant and power-crazed to hold office. He is too right-wing, too left-wing, too centrist, and a neoliberal to boot. His policy proposals are both too timid and too radical. He is weak and has allowed himself to be dominated by a few in caucus, even as he ruthlessly dispatched to the back-benches a caucus member who challenged him. Labour’s rise in the polls in recent months is a mere accident, because everyone who reads the blogs knows Shearer’s not up to the job. And those people who write the blogs sure know a thing or two, don’t they?

If we are going to blame David Shearer for everything, and not give him credit for anything, then let’s dump all our other failures on him. We may as well, because David Shearer is used to working in war zones and can probably handle the pressure. Unlike, say, the Black Caps. They’re performing dismally yet again, and something needs to be done. We could blame their inept batting and poor bowling, or their average fielding; or we could point to poor leadership, mediocre coaching, and an off-field administrative omnishambles. But we’ve been there before and it’s oh-so-boring, and don’t you agree that it’s time we gave our boys in white a break from all the relentless criticism? I know they’re all useless, but they’re just such nice and well-meaning people, and the poor things are so mentally damaged that they’re likely to have a collective nervous breakdown the next time someone raises a voice in anger.

So because we’re blaming David Shearer for everything that has gone wrong in Labour, as if a generation of issues could be neatly fixed within a year, let’s blame the cricket on him too. He worked in Iraq and Somalia, so I’m sure he won’t be bothered by a few dozen more angry blogposts aimed his way. He doesn’t even read the things!

I’m also worried that at some point QOT might run out of anti-Shearer blogpost ideas. I don’t know if she cares about the cricket catastrophe that is the Black Caps team, but I bet she’ll care if it’s something that can be pinned on Labour’s leader. So blaming the cricket on Shearer will be doing a fellow blogger a big favour.

I suppose we could always blame the guy in charge of the country, rather than an opposition politician, but let’s be fair to John Key. He has a lot on his plate, what with the cycleway and all those jobs he’s been creating. So let’s leave Key out of this and instead continue to honour our hallowed traditions of the left and focus on the real enemy. John Key and National are mere opponents.

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