A New Privacy Policy

In my quest to become New Zealand’s most trusted brand, I am always looking for ways to improve things. 

I have decided to implement a privacy policy for this site, so my valued readers can have confidence in my dealings with their most intimate and personal information. 

IMPERATOR FISH PRIVACY POLICY

In the course of operating this website it is entirely possible that I may from time to time collect, use, disclose and hold information about an identifiable individual.

This Privacy Policy describes the personal information collected by me or my website and describes the purposes for which I may use, disclose or hold such personal information.

  1. During your visit to my website I may collect statistical data about your visit. If you’re lucky it will all be harmless stuff, such as the date, time and length of your visit, the URLs or addresses of the website pages you visit, the operating system, browser, search engine and IP address blah blah blah. Look, just assume I know everything about where you’ve been and how you got here. You would be amazed (and not a little bit disturbed) to learn what I know about you.
  2. I may use a third party to collect this information. How else am I going to do it? Do you think I sit here all day counting the number of visits to my site? 
  3. I may use and disclose such statistical data for the following purposes:
    • to attempt to work out the identity of pseudonymous commenters on my site, so I can blackmail or embarrass them; and
    • for other shit yet to be determined by me.
  4. I may disclose such statistical data to others, on an aggregated basis and in a way that ensures no individual is able to be identified from such data. That doesn’t mean I won’t disclose that data in other, more intrusive ways, though. 
  5. I will not use personal information collected by me to send or email you direct marketing information, but only because I’m too lazy to do so. So I’ll get others to do it. Like Reader’s Digest. I have already sold your details to them. How would you like to win $200,000? Yes, that’s what I thought, which is why I gave them your name.
  6. If you decide you don’t want anyone I associate with to send you direct marketing information, then I suggest you tell someone who gives a damn. That’s not me, by the way.
  7. I know your privacy is important. And I know why. Yes, I’ve seen the tapes of what you got up to last weekend, so I understand why you feel the need to keep your uncontrollable urges a carefully guarded secret. How would you explain it to your boss? And on a church altar of all places! Look, I’m a liberal-minded guy, and I’m not here to judge you. I’m just amazed you managed it without injuring any of the species involved. So be assured that your secret is safe with me. I absolutely promise not to use or disclose your personal information except in the very specific circumstances listed below:
    • if I decide I want to;
    • if there’s money in it; or
    • if you’re Martyn Bradbury (Nah, that’s just my little joke).
  8. My website may use cookies.  “Cookies” are pieces of software placed on the computer that you are using to access the internet.  Cookies are designed to remember information about your personal preferences for my website.  But my cookies come with an extra ingredient. Once they’re in your computer they’ll get to work, and before you know it your computer will be under the control of Russian gangsters. Did I say “cookies”? Silly me, I meant “viruses”.
  9. You can change the settings on your browser to reject some cookies, but this may reduce the functionality of my website, and it would also piss my new Russian mates off. So leave your settings as they are, or it’ll be me floating in the harbour with my hands cut off, which is something I don’t think anyone really wants. 
  10. If I do manage to get your credit card or internet banking details through use of my “cookies”, then you consent to my using and disclosing that information for the purposes of draining your bank accounts.
  11. I will absolutely sell your personal information to direct marketers. Consider it already done.
  12. I will also supply a copy of your personal information to Whaleoil, free of charge. I know it’s wrong of me, but he asked me so nicely.
  13. I will not hold your personal information for longer than is reasonably required for the purposes for which I may lawfully use that personal information. But as a rough guide, my plan is to hold onto every piece of incriminating evidence about you until you die.  
  14. Where I hold personal information about you, you have a right to access and correct that personal information in accordance with the Privacy Act 1993.  If you want to access or correct your personal information, please write to me at: Privacy Officer, Imperator Fish, Third door to the right, Level 18, The Chamber of Mirrors, Lalaland. I am entitled to charge a fee to cover my administrative costs, so please enclose gold bullion. Anything heavier than five ounces is fine.
  15. I may effect and maintain adequate security measures to safeguard the personal information I hold about you from loss or unauthorised access, use, modification or disclosure.  Or I may not. Take a chance on me, baby. 
  16. Other websites that are linked to my website may have privacy policies that govern the use of information collected by those other websites.  I am not responsible for any information collected by those other websites, or the privacy or data protection practices of the operators of those other websites.  In fact, I’m not responsible for anything I do. If you can remember that one important disclaimer then we’ll get along just fine.
  17. Your use of my website is also governed by my Website Terms of Use. These are likely to be random and arbitrary terms that I make up on the spot as and when the need arises. You agree to comply with all of these terms of use, even though you have no way of knowing what they are. 
  18. I may amend this Privacy Policy from time to time.  Notice of any such amendments will be effective immediately, unless I state otherwise.  I may enforce any change to this Privacy Policy I like retrospectively, because I’m such a prick.
  19. Your continued use of my website will constitute your acceptance of any amendments or revisions to this Privacy Policy. 
  20. If you wish to take any action against me under under applicable privacy laws, please bear in mind that I know some very scary people.
  21. You agree to indemnify me against any and all losses, damages, liabilities, costs or expenses suffered or incurred by me, arising from anything at all at any time. That means that if I decide to buy a cup of coffee or a fancy bottle of wine you will have to pay for it. Those soft silky 12-ply toilet-rolls I so love are going on your tab, buddy.
  22. Please confirm your acceptance of this Privacy Policy by sending me your credit card details.
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